What A Long Strange Trip It's Been!

November 20, 2010:  It's been six months since my last blog entry and yet it feels like six lifetimes!  :)  The last entry was in May after I left the monastery for the first time and after my first retreat with David Hoffmeister and the Messengers of Peace.  Since then I have been to seven retreats and have been at the monastery for two more extended stays.  In fact, I am writing this from the monastery in Utah where I have been living for almost two months now.  Fall is turning into winter and the number of projects to prepare for the upcoming weather is slowly dwindling.  As a result, I have more time to go inward and reflect on the Miraculous blessings I have been given.  I am feeling Guided to share the details of some of those Miracles and extend the Love that I feel!  :)

To pick up where I left off, I was leaving northern Kentucky after a beautiful 10 day stay with Susan to go visit Lauren in Georgia before the upcoming week long retreat at the end of May going into June.  At the time I was still driving my 1999 Ford Crown Victoria that had major engine problems that started before I even left Minnesota in April.  In addition to getting to see the place where Lauren and Devan were going to have a retreat center, I was going so that I could leave my car behind and drive Lauren's vehicle to Utah.  In hindsight, I can see that this decision was based more on fear than on Guidance from the Holy Spirit, D'oh!  :)  This is quite surprising considering I thought I had gotten past my fear surrounding my vehicle!  :)

I had accepted the fact that I would leave MN later than had I planned due to the unforeseen engine problems.  I had also let go of my worries about the money that I had spent to keep it running just so that I could get to the monastery in the first place.  In fact, by the time I went to leave KY I had even put several thousand miles on that vehicle and gotten used to the 'Check Engine' light staying on constantly.  So to make a snap decision on where to go next based on the fear of the Crown Vic failing was not something I would become aware of until the following events unfolded.

It was just less than a week before the big retreat was to start that I received a text message from Devan.  In it, he asked me what I thought about going to GA to stay with Lauren for a few days.  Then I could leave my Ford there and drive her Explorer to Utah since she was flying out to the retreat.  It sounded like a win-win scenario because I could save the miles on my car and then drive back from UT with Devan.  In addition, her vehicle had a hitch attached so that we could tow a trailer back as well.  This would be helpful for Devan because he was getting married to Lauren at the retreat and was now going to be living in GA and would be able to bring all his belongings.  Instead of taking the time to pray for Guidance as I was getting used to doing, I fell for the double whammy ego trap of people pleasing and being driven by fear!

Before I knew it, I would be on my way to Lauren's place for a brief stay until I would head out to UT.  I would not become aware of the snowball effect of that fearful decision right away.  I was feeling great and even got to attend a Course study group in Lauren's area, but slowly I would start to feel unsettled.  I wasn't aware of exactly what was causing this feeling.  In fact, most of the time I felt centered and watched as Lauren would process her thoughts about the upcoming wedding.  Over the next few days, though, this unsettled feeling would grow until I just felt that I had to do something different.  This uneasiness would grow every time we would discuss the logistics of my leaving.  The details of when to leave, where to leave my car, and other details had not been worked out in advance.  Lauren was living part of the week in one area and going to school and living with her parents in another area the rest of the week.  Instead of speaking up right away and voicing my feelings of loss of Peace, I did not look at it and buried it until it grew into anger.

The day before I was supposed to leave came and I felt like I was ready to blow!  Lauren had been talking about leaving early that day to go to her parents and I had thoughts swirling in my head making me go crazy.  Thoughts like: "I'm going to be stuck in this house with no movies or TV and no place to go in this blue/dry county!" or "I still am not clear on what I'm doing with my car and how to deal with the tabs that will expire while I'm gone!"  I can see now that these thoughts were really just distractions of the ego to cover over the fact that I had made a decision based on fear and people pleasing.  Finally, I had to say something and told Lauren that I was going to leave that day in my vehicle.  She asked me to stay so we could call Devan and the three of us could join.  I decided to do this but by this time the anger that had been building was so intense that the conversation did not go smoothly.  I felt as though I was being attacked and asked to do something I didn't want to do as well as feeling guilty for breaking my commitment to Devan and Lauren.  Even after spending some time 'trying to hear Guidance', I decided that I needed to go and would deal with the results.

I looked at the map and felt that I should cross the MN state line and stop in the southern city of Albert Lea to take care of the issue of the expiring tabs.  This would mean spending more time and money as opposed to a direct route to Utah but it would give me some Peace of Mind.  It would not give me total Peace of Mind as the ego would still bring up the guilt of breaking my word to drive the Explorer and help Devan and Lauren.  I got a couple hours away from MN and all of a sudden a thought came that would give me some temporary Peace and Happiness: No matter what choice I make I am ALWAYS where I'm supposed to be!  This is central to the idea that we 'cannot screw it up'!  It also explains the GPS analogy that I heard discussed at the retreat: The idea that even if the Guidance is to turn right and I choose to turn left that the Holy Spirit doesn't leave because I am a 'failure' but it just recalculates the route from where I am.  It may end up being a detour and not the most direct route but I cannot be guilty and unworthy or that would make this world/illusion real and my identity as a Child of God would be false!  :)

I would get into Albert Lea feeling great and have no problems getting my tabs renewed.  The humorous thing about that is rather than just getting new tabs which could have been easily mailed to me I also got new plates!  It was as if the Holy Spirit was changing the form so that I could let go of some of my guilt.  The other thing that is quite amazing is that I sent a postcard that afternoon after the time of the last listed mail pickup.  I thought for sure that this meant it would take two days to find its destination but instead it arrived the next day! :)  I would make my way to Utah in great time only to experience that I still had not fully looked at the motivations of my earlier decision.

As I was driving past a used car shop in Heber about an hour from the monastery, my attention was strongly attracted to a particular vehicle on the lot.  I had driven past many used cars over thousands of miles in this Crown Victoria that lasted longer than rational/logical thinking could explain.  For some reason, though, this vehicle caught my attention while all the others did not.  I had arrived a day earlier than I thought I would so I decided to stop and take a look.   It turned out to be a 1995 Toyota 4Runner.  The interesting thing is that for about four years in the mid '90s that was the vehicle that I REALLY wanted!  Now 15 years later here I am looking at the prospect of buying one!  :)  In addition to being a '95, it also had a manual transmission with an asking price of $2800.  Right away the ego had a field day with this with thoughts like: "You can't spend that much money without a job especially on a 15 year old vehicle!" or "You've never driven a car with a manual transmission in your life!"  I decided to drive on and take some time to pray for Guidance.  I had thoughts like "Well, I've ridden a motorcycle before so I'm used to shifting and besides sometimes an automatic doesn't shift when I want it to anyway!"  :)  I heard that I should go back the next day and offer to trade my Ford and pay $2000 to drive off the lot with the 4Runner.  I Trusted this was Guidance and didn't think about it the rest of the day.

I arrived at the monastery later that afternoon and right away I was helping with a project involving a small cabin that was being delivered.  At one point Lisa came up to me to say hello and talk about my plans.  She asked if I was willing to volunteer for the retreat rather than just be a participant.  This was only my second retreat but I was definitely Willing!  She said that as a volunteer and considering a donation I had made in April that I would be able to attend without paying the $750 fee!  :)  I was ecstatic since that was going to be a large amount considering the money I had remaining and the prospect of paying for the 4Runner!  :)  She also asked what I was going to do after the retreat was over.  I told her that originally I was going to drive Lauren's car to UT and go back to GA with Devan when the retreat was over.  Since I chose to drive my own car and since it didn't have a hitch for a trailer I told her that I wasn't sure what I was going to do and that I was wondering if I could stay at the monastery.  She said that she would need to join with the Messengers and get back to me about that.  I was getting used to not knowing until the last minute where I would go so I was definitely fine with that.

The next morning I left the monastery to go pickup Devan and Lauren from Devan's parents' house in Orem.  I would have to drive past Heber where the 4Runner was both in picking them up and driving back to the monastery.  When I got to Orem, I let them know that I wanted to stop in Heber on the way back and filled them in about the vehicle.  I told them about how I had always wanted a vehicle like this and how it kept pulling my attention and the Guidance how it would work out.  We pulled into the lot and I took it for a test drive.  At first, it took a little getting used to the sensitivity of the clutch but I had not problem with the mechanics of how to shift and drive from my motorcycle experience.  I got back to the dealer and made the offer to trade based on the Guidance I heard.

At first, he didn't seem too receptive and I was willing to let it go and Trust that when I was ready to get a new vehicle that it would be given.  After a brief moment, though, he agreed to the terms completely!  The ego went nuts with thoughts like: "You haven't even run a CarFax report or done any due diligence!" or "He agreed way too quickly and you're getting screwed!"  I couldn't help but laugh because I did my 'due diligence' when I bought the Crown Victoria only to have serious problems months later!  :)  Besides, I was Trusting that what I heard was Guidance so I didn't give any more thought to the idea that I could have gotten it cheaper.  The only thing was that he said the freon in the AC needed to be recharged as well as another detail so he asked if I was willing to come back to complete the deal.  I told him that was no problem as I was going to be around for a week and I would come back next Friday.  To make things more interesting the 4Runner had a hitch that could tow a trailer and he had a GREAT deal on a slightly used trailer!  It was starting to look like maybe 'things would work out' and I could somehow keep my commitment that I felt I broke to help get Devan's things back to GA.  At this point, though, I was still unsure of what would happen at the end of the week and Trusted that everything would work out.

The week would have its highs and lows but everything would happen for a reason.  As a volunteer, I was asked to help out with things like cleaning, organizing, and being attentive to a particular area.  In this case, my area of responsibility was to be attentive to the fire in the chapel.  This was all coordinated by Sue who had been given the role of volunteer coordinator.  Every morning she would meet with Lisa to feel out the Guidance for the days tasks.  It was decided at the beginning of the retreat that a fire should be kept burning in the chapel all night as it was getting cool overnight and then the people camping would be able to come warm up.  At first, the ego would use this to keep me in a constant state of guilt with worries about not getting up in time to put another log on the fire.  It was beautiful though because I felt the Guidance of when to get up and it was always perfect timing.  The second night though something would happen that would really be a chance for the ego to attack.  I had used matches to light the fire and in my inattentiveness had left the box on top of the wood burning fireplace/stove.  The heat emanating from the top of the stove would set the box ablaze.  Fortunately it would just burn itself out without spreading but not before the intense smell of Sulfur would wake Ken up who was sleeping above the chapel.  I found out about this the next day and upon hearing this I had INTENSE guilt arise with thoughts like: "I could have burned down the whole chapel!" or "I could have killed Ken!"  The guilt was so intense that I even had the thought that I should just leave now before they have a chance to kick me out!  Fortunately, this is a place of true Forgiveness and there were no such thoughts!  :)  This was not the only upset of Peace surrounding the responsibility of the fire.

Over the next day or two the weather had warmed up significantly to the point that one morning I went in and someone had opened the windows saying that it was too warm in the chapel.  The ego jumped in with the idea that because of that sentiment as well as the warmer weather that the logical thing to do was to not keep a fire going all night.  The next morning, Sue asked me why the fire wasn't going last night.  I told her about the comment about it being too warm and that I felt it was warm enough for this.  She said that this was not the Guidance and that it's about Trusting her that she is listening to Guidance and not saying things as a separate person just to control me.  I did not fully Trust that she was hearing Guidance and questioned whether she had joined with Lisa on the matter because the Guidance originally came when it was colder.  This, though, was not what I was being asked to do.  I was being asked to be attentive and follow Guidance.  This resulted in the ego chiming in with thoughts like "Well, if I'm supposed to blindly follow 'commands' that I might as well join the Army" or "This is just another form of chain of command with David at the top!"  It wasn't until I joined with Kirsten that I was able to see differently.  As for the chain of command thought, she shared how it doesn't work that way.  When they went shopping for groceries for the retreat, it was Lisa's area of responsibility.  David went along and was actually a runner getting things on the list.  When he came back with something that wasn't on the list, Lisa pointed this out and that it was an add-on and he put it back.  This was very fascinating to hear because that blows the whole idea that there is a commander and commands are issued from the top down.  It is really about following Guidance and Trusting that the Holy Spirit knows what's best for EVERYONE.  It made it a lot easier to Trust and follow instead of trying to rationalize and do what 'I' thought was best!  :)  It was a very healing moment and I felt very Peaceful and Happy!  :)  This was not the only time I would feel this way.

Near the end of the week Lisa told me that the Messengers had joined and that I could stay at the monastery after the retreat and help with projects.  There was a big project to be completed that involved staining every building on the property.  I was very happy and Willing to be able to stay and help out and continue with the Mind training!  :)  I felt great and would enjoy the rest of the retreat including an 'Angel Bath' which I had never experienced.  This is where everyone stands in two lines facing each other and one person at the end walks between them while people extend Love by touching and speaking whatever is Guided!  It was intense and even uncomfortable at first but by the end I was Loving it!  :)  By the time the retreat was over, I was ready to go get my new vehicle and come back for more!  :)

This is where I started to see the snowball effect of my choice almost two weeks ago and the idea of being in integrity.  At the end of the retreat, Lauren would take the shuttle(van) to the airport to fly back to GA.  I drove Devan back to his parents' house stopping to trade in my vehicle first.  I got to the dealer and he had not completed the tasks that he had said would be done by that time.  He said it wouldn't be done until Monday.  I didn't know what to do as I was expecting to drop Devan off and go back to the monastery.  Devan invited me to come stay the weekend and pick my car up Monday.  We made it to Orem and I tried calling the monastery four times to join and get some Guidance.  I was not able to get talk to anyone there and left a message to call back.  I decided to at least spend the night and try again in the morning.  That night Devan and I discussed possibilities for what would happen.  Ultimately, we decided that I would spend the weekend, pick my car up Monday, and then we could drive back to GA with a trailer attached.  I figured this way I could fulfill my original commitment and they wouldn't miss me at the monastery anyway.  By the next morning, though, I felt this strong urge that I needed to go back to the monastery right away.

When I got back to the monastery I saw Jenny and Chris as I pulled up.  I told Jenny about what happened with the vehicle and that I felt to come back and help with the staining for a few days before picking up the 4Runner and heading to GA.  This is when it all started to become clear about the motivations of people pleasing and fear and the idea of being in integrity.  She said that I had committed to the staining project and that it wouldn't even begin until Monday.  She talked about needing to follow through with commitments for Peace of Mind that results from being in integrity.  She asked me why I didn't discuss this with anyone before making this decision.  I mentioned that I tried to join and couldn't reach anyone and that I left a message.  I felt so confused and even broke down crying because I felt like I tried to stay in contact when the form seemed to change and that not being able to do that I had to tune into Guidance and do what I thought I was prompted to do.  She said that we should call Devan and all join together to talk it out.

The conversation did not go well as it seemed that I was stuck in the middle of two people saying that I had committed to conflicting plans.  Devan mentioned how originally I was going to go back to GA with him with Jenny asking why I committed to be at the monastery.  I recounted how things played out and how I felt things seemed to change every few days and that is why I felt I ended up in this situation.  It was then that Jason joined us and quickly became aware of the situation even though he was not aware of all the details.  It was then that I could see by not praying for Guidance when I made the choice to leave KY and go to GA that everything was off since then.  I had made a decision out of fear and now I was trying to come up with a solution to please everyone and not let anyone down or break any commitments.  As I tried to do this while we were on the phone, Jason said that I needed to take some time alone to pray to get VERY clear on what should happen.  The expression he used was "so what, now what?"  Stop dwelling on the past and trying to figure out how to 'fix' things and listen for Guidance in the present moment on how to proceed.

After spending time in my tent, the Guidance came very clearly that I should stay at the monastery for the next two weeks and then through the next weekend retreat.  This clarity provided me with a sense of Peace and even courage to say what I needed to say.  The ego wanted me to feel guilty for letting Devan down for not providing a vehicle to get the trailer back to GA.  In addition, my friend Michelle had bought me a ticket to go see Dave Matthews Band in Cincinnati and even though I told her when I bought it that I didn't know where I would be, the ego wanted me to feel guilty for this as well.  I was able to talk to Devan and he was very understanding and forgiving.  He asked me about the concept of integrity and I explained my perception after speaking with Jason about how integrity is when everything is fully aligned.  When I take the time to ask for Guidance from the Holy Spirit, the part of the Mind that knows what's best for everyone, that I Trust and follow with Peace of Mind.  By making snap decisions without clear Guidance I was only falling for the ego's trap to be in a situation that is lose-lose, not win-win!  This felt very good to express and I was confident that everything would work out for the best for everyone!  :)

Love,
Mimzy