Change? But I Was Happy!

Change is a pillar of the foundation of fear. If there is one characteristic about this world of illusion, it is that nothing is eternal. It's funny because this is actually well disguised by the deceptive thoughts of the ego. I have fallen into the trap many times of thinking that happiness/joy comes from getting to know/learn something about the world of form. In fact, in a recent post the thought was expressed that knowing the rules of the world could provide some safety because then guilt could be avoided by not breaking the rules!

Where does safety really come from? What is the source of Joy/Happiness? How can Trust rest on anything that is not constant and instead changes? These questions when asked earnestly can point to the veil of the illusion of separation! If I really were a separate body living in a world built on change, then fear would indeed be natural. Safety would need to come from protecting my (s)elf from others. But what if this were not True?

What if 'I' never left my source of eternal unchanging Love? Then there would be no 'I' that could provide or even need safety! There would be no justification or need of fear! 'Life' could be an experience of the beautiful lyric in "Across the Universe" by The Beatles: Nothing's gonna change my world! It has been beautiful to experience this lately with increasing frequency of present moments.

One of the many examples of this has been with the backdrop of art. This particular form has been a breeding ground for the justification of fear and guilt by the deceptive thoughts of the ego. It has been very liberating to question the thoughts and see them as false. Now that the decision and Willingness to question has been made, the deceptive thoughts of separation require a change in form to attempt to induce further fear and guilt.

This was very clear the other day as I was very excited to take some time and play with drawings. I was having a great time singing along to The Beatles and letting the pencil move across the paper. It was so cool to just be without giving in to the thoughts that anything should be different or that anything was wrong! I was just finishing cutting out the drawings when Leila walked in with a set of 50 oil pastel sticks.

All I had been using to that point was a single violet colored pencil. The first reaction to seeing all the colors was great excitement, but as soon as the form seemed to change it was an open door by the ego to be fearful again. The intensity of the excitement was matched by the intensity of the fear. The same initial thoughts that had been believed about art to feel guilt had now come back to the mind.

Thoughts like: "There's no way I'll know what to do with all those colors.", "At least I had an excuse for the crude drawings when there was only one color.", "Now (I'm) going to have to come up with something more than simple shapes.", etc. Fortunately the joyful experiences of choosing differently meant that the same could be done in this instant without having to indulge the fearful thoughts. Instead it has been very Inspiring to let images come into the mind! Nothing has yet been put on paper with the colors but here are two more drawings done in violet. :) Love, Mimzy ♥

I Didn't Think This Was Possible!

EVERYTHING in form can be used by Spirit as a backdrop to heal the mind!  That means all activities of the body, material items, and things of the world can be used to see the thoughts of a separate (s)elf concept.  In doing so, any fear or manifestation of fear (anger, sadness, etc.) can be used as an indicator to see that there is still a belief in guilt.   In this healing opportunity, art was the backdrop Given for this Purpose.

This was not the first time that art was provided as the backdrop, but in the previous opportunities the attraction to guilt was so strong that the intensity of the fear made it difficult to allow the body to be used as a communication device.  I can now Trust that even though I ran away from the art before that everything was as it should be.  All those opportunities were just stepping stones to releasing from the idea that I am guilty.  This time the attraction to guilt had been loosened enough that I could stay with it.

For a couple of weeks now there has been this image that keeps recurring in the mind.  It was always purple and seemed to involve shapes that looked like flower petals and elongated stars.  Then one day I found a lone colored pencil and it was of course violet.  Even though the means had been provided it still took some time to Trust that I could use this backdrop without completely falling apart and giving into the guilt.

Well today was the day that there was enough courage to take the leap of faith.  I laid down with the paper, pencil, eraser, and sharpener and could feel the contraction from fear.  I was even noticing the shortness of breath and shaking of the hands.  Some of the thoughts were: "This is going to look worse than a baby scribbling.", "Go watch a movie instead.", "Someone is going to come in and tell me I'm doing something wrong."  In fact, I even noticed I would get startled when I heard a noise outside my room because I believed that someone could and would come tell me how wrong (i.e. guilty) I was.

I stayed with it though and kept choosing the thought in the Mind that I was not guilty and that I was worthy of being Happy.  The more I practiced choosing this thought the more relaxed I got.  I even started letting go and giving myself permission to sing along with the music that was playing.  After awhile, I noticed that I was actually enJoying moving the pencil on the paper.  In fact, when there were no more thoughts or images of things to draw I actually found that I wanted to keep going.

I could see the egoic thoughts come in to try to use this backdrop to reinforce the pattern of control.  The thought was to just add something here, add something there, change something, etc.  That was not the Given Purpose of this opportunity.  It was not to get anything done or to have something look a certain way.  It was all just to see the choice for the thoughts that lead to Happiness or for the thoughts that lead to anything else.

Even when the choice was made to lay the pencil down the deceptive thoughts of guilt did not stop: "It's not symmetrical.", "The shapes aren't uniform.", etc.  It doesn't matter because just like the character in the movie 'A Beautiful Mind' the choice is always about Purpose.  In the movie, Russell Crowe's character still sees the unreal characters but he chooses not to indulge them.  The deceptive thoughts were still there but I chose not to believe them!  :)  Love, Mimzy ♥

Am I Willing to Gamble?

The 'safety' net of this high wire ego circus act is (s)elf punishment.  Talk about an oxymoron, LOL!  I got the opportunity to see where I am attracted to guilt as a distraction from seeing my fear of Love.  Even when I was given the opportunity to let go of guilt and punishment I could see where there was the thought that it was safer to hang on to it than to Trust!  Here's how it unfolded:

Much of yesterday was spent doing a tech project on the computer.  This is not unusual as this character in the story I have been dreaming has been involved with computers for 20 years.  In fact, the ego has used this backdrop of the story to reinforce the separate identity using the ideas of knowledge, independence, and pride.  I could see where I was feeling pressure because I was believing that I was 'personally' responsible for the outcome in form.  This was a way to forget that the form is unreal and that instead the Spirit can use it as a backdrop to letting go and Trusting.  The burden of personal responsibility was reinforced by the thought that this character was the only one capable of completing the task.

Several times throughout the day the pressure was so intense that I just had to stop and pray.  Each time the thought that came through was that there was another way to be.  That thought felt really good but the fear of not 'knowing' the other way was very strong.  Ultimately the other way is ALWAYS complete Trust in the Spirit.  Instead of using those opportunities to take the leap of faith and Trust, I kept choosing to give into the fear.

The underlying thought was that 'I' have experience and knowledge about computers so if 'I' just try hard enough the task will get completed.  This thought of experience and knowledge was the ego's idea of a safety net or fall back plan to keep from stepping though the fear by Trusting and seeing the uselessness of fear.  Eventually it appeared in form as though the task got done but I had become weary and just wanted to go to bed.

Today I got more opportunities to choose to Trust Spirit but this time the form did not 'work' by choosing the ego's dynamics.  I was Given the opportunity to follow the Inspiration around a couple of areas one of which included making a music video.  This is an area where I have a couple hours of experience rather than a couple of decades.  It seemed like nothing 'I' did was working in form.  Leila is fond of saying "no flow, no go" so rather than continue trying to push through, I chose to Join with Spirit through her character.

What I saw was that I was using the form to determine whether I was guilty or not.  The thought was that if I am involved in a task that I should have something in form (i.e. progress or a result) to show for 'my' time.  If I didn't, then I was guilty.  I was told that this was not the case and I was asked if I could accept that this was not True.  I could see that I was still resistant to letting go of this conviction.  The crazy part was that the 'person' I thought would tell me I was guilty for not getting anything done was telling me the exact opposite.  So upon hearing that, who/what was still telling me to continue this belief?

In this case, I didn't have the safety net of experience and knowledge to fall back on.  In fact, the only choice I had was to continue to fall back on the guilt or take a leap of faith.  It's like Indiana Jones when it appears he has to cross a deep chasm with no bridge in sight.  He could have chosen to turn around and deal with the perceived violence and death awaiting him.  Instead he chose to take the step and Trust that he would be supported.

It was the same for me in that instant.  I could go back to the old way of just tolerating the upset, irritation, fear, and guilt or I could step through and Trust.  The ego was telling me that it would be akin to stepping off the cliff and falling to my death and so the crappy way of feeling was a better option.  It's like saying I'm choosing, or attracted to, the (s)elf punishment of guilt because it's better than the punishment God has waiting for me!  What if I'm wrong about that?

That's the question the ego does not want asked or answered because the answer is the undoing of the (s)elf concept or the disappearance of the Universe.  Another way of looking at it is, I've got a measly amount of money and I'm given the chance to gamble with it.  I would rather choose not to gamble due to the fear that 'I' will lose what little I have.  In doing so, I'm saying it is impossible that I could 'win' and gain EVERYTHING in return!  Today I chose to take the gamble and I am Trusting that just like with Indiana Jones that the Spirit will come up underneath and support me so that I can have Peace of Mind!  :)  My prayer is:

Help me to have the strength and courage to choose in all moments to Trust that the other way is possible and True!  :)

Amen!  Love, Mimzy ♥

As It Is Outside, So It Is Inside

Am I like oil to water or bubble gum to hair? Right now I feel like the former but with help from Spirit and Mighty Companions I Trust I can feel like the latter! :) The point is that right now not only do I not 'know' how to Join but I am actually fearful of it. This fear is actually a defense of the ego to keep from relying on Spirit to remember how to Join. After all, the whole foundation of the ego's thought system is the belief that the separation from God is a reality. Therefore Joining is the most direct path to opening to the idea that the separation never really happened.

The main thing I try to keep in awareness is that the Joining in Truth is only with Spirit/God. I have found it very easy to think that the joining is with other people (i.e. bodies). This is very important to the ego because if I believe that I am trying to join with other bodies then I must believe that 'I' am a body. This cascades into falling into the trap of projecting my inner beliefs outward to bodies and perceiving the source as coming from 'others'. When that happens then it is very easy to let the roles and concepts of the ego obscure the source of the 'gap'.

For example, when I perceive one 'body' as a stranger and another 'body' as my wife then according to the ego there are different ways of treating those bodies. More importantly the deceptive thoughts are that I should interpret how those bodies speak to me, act towards me, and think of me with different meaning or value. After all I should value those things coming from my wife much more than from a stranger, right?

This is an attempt of the ego to guarantee that I will not perceive equality of those outside of myself. If I don't perceive equality outside, then I can never perceive equality inside. It follows that if I think one person outside is better or worse than another outside, then it must be true that I am better or worse than anyone 'else'. The ones outside that I value the most (like my wife) are the ones that will reflect my inner beliefs with the most intensity. When I give in to the thoughts that I should hate my(s)elf for what I've done to God, then I will see that hatred reflected back in varying degrees depending on the value I have assigned to the one mirroring back to me.

If I can remember that any upset (such as hate) that I perceive coming 'from' others is really coming from inside, then I can ask for help from Spirit. The help is to correct the perception that I have of my(s)elf. If I can Trust it is True that God does not feel that way about 'me', then I can lay down my sword and let the perceived gap between God and 'I' be washed away. When that happens, I Trust that the perceived gap between 'me' and 'others' will be washed away. I think then I can give the perception over to the Spirit and 'see' complete equality that everyOne (including 'me') deserves nothing but Love! My prayer is:

Please help me to see that my perception comes from inner beliefs.

Please help me to remember that there is another way of 'seeing'.

Please help me to lay down my sword so that I may extend only Love.

Amen! Love, Mimzy ♥

What Are the Rules?

Am I a cat in new surroundings or a pinball in a new machine? Well neither in Truth but that is the analogy for how the mind feels! :) The month long silent retreat recently finished up and the form once again has changed. The backdrop appears to be the Light House with Leila and Karen. This change is a perfect excuse for the circle of fear that is the ego to come to the surface.

It's like there are times where I can be in the flow and roll along like a pinball. Then the ego flippers knock me back into the bumpers of attachment and guilt (i.e. thinking this world is real). Just when I get used to the layout of the machine and think I 'know' where the bumpers are, I get dropped into a new machine. The tendency is to want to 'know' the rules of the new machine and get used to the layout so I can avoid the bumpers. The symbolism is that by 'knowing' something I can avoid the guilt!

I think that if I know what I can and cannot do then I can change my behavior to play within the rules and never be at fault/guilty. This is the classic reversal of cause and effect that is the foundation for the ego's game. It's saying just look at the world of form as the cause of how I should feel or think (the effect). This is a game that cannot be won because the form will ALWAYS change and is beyond 'my' control. The idea of 'knowing' anything about the world is just as much an illusion as being in control of the world. It's a necessary delusion for the ego because the opposite to knowing anything of the world is Trust! This is the only answer and is also the undoing of the world and the ego.

For example, I find that when I wake up in the morning the first thought of the ego is what am I going to do today? I never really know what I'm going to be doing on any given day. Even if I think I have a general idea I never know the specifics. If I think I'm working on the computer, I still don't know exactly what I'm doing. Even if I think I'm working on a website, I still don't know exactly what to do. It is a constant game of putting the thoughts out into the future. I can never really know anything for sure because I have no control of the form so there is a very good chance that I could be wrong/guilty about everything! If I could Trust that I am always in the Perfect place and am Given everything that is needed, then there would be no need to figure anything out and there could be no chance of being wrong/guilty! My prayer is:

Help me to remember to Trust in every present moment that there is always Perfect support!

Help me to remember that I can be a passerby!

Help me to remember that I am One with You and therefore "I'm" not even the thinker of the thoughts!

Amen! Love, Mimzy ♥