Mimzy or Ben?...They Are Both Symbols

April 26, 2010:  I have had thoughts about my name since childhood.  In hindsight, I can see that these thoughts were just superficial egoic thoughts used to distract me (like all egoic thoughts!).  Things like: "Why did my parents name me Benjamin Harrison Cohen Jr.?" or "Where did the name come from and does it have any significant meaning?" or "Why did they use the same name as my Dad?  Couldn't they come up with something else?"  Many times this last question would lead to angry thoughts about how much angst I could have been spared with a different name.  That way there wouldn't have been so much confusion about phone calls or mail.  Also, people wouldn't have felt the need to call me Benny just to distinguish me from my dad who went by Ben.  There were many other angry thoughts but the point is that I was creating this anguish for myself.  More importantly, it was disguising the underlying anger and hate that I had for myself!!

I didn't really recognize that last fact until the somewhat recent past.  I recall that I started thinking about my name more and more since I read 'Disappearance of the Universe' about a year and a half ago.  I didn't know why I was thinking about it more at that point.  I remember thoughts like: "I want something UNIQUE, something that no one would have preconceived prejudices about! (I didn't yet realize it was my prejudices that I was projecting on others)" or "Am I going to have to come up with a symbol like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince that no one could even say?!" or "Am I going to be so intolerant that anyone who does call me by my former name will feel the wrath?"

I remember trying to brainstorm (a funny word to me) about the possibilities but NOTHING would come to me!  I would think about my interests and feel that there had to be something associated with a movie, song, hobby, etc. that would suffice.  After all, anything had to be better than Ben, right?!  I finally had to give up the thought if for no other reason than the sense of failure I was feeling for not even being able to give myself a name that I liked (not realizing until I found the root cause nothing would be good enough)!  This quest for a legal government name change had subsided but I found myself needing to create more and more accounts online for various things.  I somehow found this search a little easier because I felt it was not tied to 'me' or the image of 'me' and that account names can be changed or deleted with relative ease.

I remember that I tried different permutations of Neo since I particularly enjoyed The Matrix but I soon found that many 'others' had a similar like.  The next name that came to me was Willy Wonka since I especially had a fondness for 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' (even when I wasn't tripping!)  :)  By this time, I had long ago accepted the fact that I was crazy and I particularly identified with the craziness that Wonka exhibited (especially the last scene of the original with everything split in half like my mind!).  So I had started using the name 'CrazyWonka' online in various forms.  This seemed to be a relatively unique name that held some meaning I associated with me so I was very happy using it.  I thought that I would never have to come up with anything else until I went to record my YouTube video for my application to the monastery.  To my dismay, the name CrazyWonka had already been taken!  What?!  Someone else as crazy as me that also likes The Chocolate Factory?

I started to feel depressed because it seemed so hard to come up with CrazyWonka that I was sure I would never find another name that I liked (thanks ego)!  Surpisingly, with relative ease, I was able to come up with Mimzy Wonka.  This sent the ego into overdrive with thoughts like: "Mimzy sounds like a girl's name, if you didn't like pre-judgment before just think what 'others' will think when they hear that!" and other self-defeating thoughts like "Why don't you just call yourself Sue and get it over with?" at which point I started to hear that song 'A Boy Named Sue'!  :)  It occured to me that no matter what I chose it was really just MY judgment and prejudice that I was projecting onto 'everyone else'.  I decided that I really liked the meaning that I had attached to both symbols Mimzy and Wonka and that was good enough for me!  Even though I had recognized it was my projecting that I was perceiving, I still had not found the root cause of the projection.

Then I arrived at the Living Miracles Monastery and the thought to change my legal name to Mimzy was REALLY strong!  At one point I was in the truck with Devan and I just burst out laughing!  :)  I was so close to actually filing for a legal name change.  At this point, I was getting better at being aware of my thoughts and seeing how the ego would try to take control.  That was really what was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing.  It seemed no matter what I came up with the ego was ALWAYS going to try to maintain control (even if I changed it to 'I Hate Myself')!  :)  The next day or so I brought my thoughts up to Lisa and asked for some help in trying to figure out why I was having these thoughts.  She said something like I needed to really look at my motivation for the desire to change my name.  Also, she added that sometimes the ego when faced with its own undoing will attempt to create another image to avoid this.

So I followed Lisa's suggestion which led me to finally get to the root cause of my motivation: I HATED myself and that is why I attached so many negative thoughts and associations to the name Ben.  It didn't really matter what my name was because I would have had the same feelings about anything that I associated with the 'image' of who I thought I was!  This was quite an eye-opener!  Ever since then I have had ambivalence about being called Ben.  After all, it was the negative attachment that I was creating and projecting outward that was causing the anguish for myself and not the opposite!

Curiously, even though I have come to accept the name Ben as being only neutral, I still have the thoughts about contiuing to use it online and even legally changing it.  I know part of this is because I still have not FULLY accepted my True Identity but I now see that the ego is trying to use 'good' attachment to try to maintain control.  The ego's reasoning is that I have associated Pure Love with Mimzy and the ability to SEE differently with Wonka so it's all good and therefore that is a justified motivation for making the change!  Silly ego, tricks are for kids!  ;)  I am really learning the Course lessons on neutrality and meaning like (2) 'I have given everything I see...all the meaning that is has for me'.  It doesn't just say 'bad' meaning but 'good' meaning too!  Everything is truly neutral until I assign it meaning!  So, Mimzy or Ben (or Sue)?  It doesn't matter what anyone calls me because they are all symbols and I have the power not to assign any meaning at all!  :)  I instead choose to focus on accepting my True Identity and if I start to feel anything but neutrality then I have a great opportunity to continue to learn my lessons and choose again!  :)

Love,
Mimzy, Ben, Benny, (and yes even Sue)!  :)

The Rabbit Hole Goes At Least to Sunny California!

April 21, 2010: My process of Listening to the Guidance of the Holy Spirit is still developing and I learn to Listen and Trust more and more every day.  This Trust is reinforced by the absolutely wonderful experiences that I have had as a result.

Case in point: Yesterday morning I noticed that my mom had sent me a text message before I had woken up.  In the message, she said since I had two weeks before the retreat in KY that I was invited to come stay with her in Seal Beach, CA.  I was not able to respond because my phone is having 'intermittent' problems charging and the battery was almost dead.  So I turned the phone off to prevent data loss (it runs Windows Mobile) and thought I would be able to charge it in the car since I had already packed my wall charger.

This gave me a couple of hours to decide to listen to the ego or the Holy Spirit for Guidance.  The ego chimed in with things like "CA is in the opposite direction of KY, what a waste of gas, time, etc." or "Well, you know that you are having car problems, why risk being further from your destination when it dies?"  It is all so laughable when brought to awareness and seen for the self-defeating behavior that it is!  :)  Yet, when I would stop and really Listen I would hear "Why try to know/decide the future instead of ENJOYING the present?"  This of course resulted in very angry egoic thoughts like "Why shouldn't you plan and prepare, how will you take care of 'yourself'?"  Yeah, like I was really enjoying myself by listening to the ego and worrying about what to decide and where to go?!  :)

I was able to release these egoic thoughts and had much more fun doing what I was doing at the time!  :)  By the time I knew it, I was done with washing clothes, packing, showering, etc. and I was ready to drive away from the monastery.  Then the 'intermittent' problems with charging my phone started again.

I plugged in my car charger and it would sense the charge, then drop it, sense it, drop it, repeat until I finally looked at my thoughts.  I was becoming agitated that I couldn't get the phone charged enough to respond to my mom.  Beneath that was the frustration that I felt as though I needed to make a decision about the future RIGHT NOW and I wasn't able to do so.  The thoughts and the emotions of the ego were so unsettling that I HAD to just stop and remember how this was NOT PEACE NOR HAPPINESS.  I mean I still had 20 minutes just to reach the main road before I could head east or west!  :)

Finally, I heeded the Guidance of the Holy Spirit and decided that I wouldn't make the decision until the time came when I was at the end of the road and had to turn right or left to keep going.  When I reached that point, I made the decision not with the rationale of the ego but with what came Peacefully to me at the time.  The thought was that I should go to CA and have a wonderful time getting there as well as being there.  After all, it is about experiencing CONSTANT Peace and Happiness, not just after reaching a destination or goal!  :)

I had so much FUN driving from UT to CA that it is almost unbelievable.  Sure, there were moments when the ego would bring up thoughts about the constant 'Check Engine' light or the intermittent knocking, but more and more I was able to release them Trusting that the Holy Spirit presents me with exactly what I need to awaken to my True Reality!  :)

Another example stands out in my mind: I stopped in Las Vegas to have some dinner and get gas.  I was really craving In-N-Out burger and was hoping that there would be one without having to drive down the strip and deal with traffic (another example of the ego trying to plan and desire the future).  I just kept seeing McDonald's, Wendy's, etc.  Not that there is anything 'wrong' with these places because after all nothing is 'right' or 'wrong'.  Everything is neutral and the only meaning of anything is that which we give it.  In fact, I had McDonald's for lunch Knowing this fact even though in the past my ego had convinced me that McDonald's was one of the 'worst' places to eat and was not 'healthy'!  :)

Well, I started seeing the casinos on the strip and no In-N-Out burger.  I accepted the fact that I would get off at the next exit and eat at whatever restaurant was available.  Exit 37 came up and on the blue road sign I saw...you guessed it: McDonald's and Wendy's!  :)  I thought well at least I can change it up for dinner and have Wendy's!  :)  Wouldn't you know it but I get to the top of the off-ramp and there is this HUGE sign right on the corner for...wait for it...In-N-Out burger!!!  I laughed so hard at the hilarity of it all!  :)

As if that wasn't enough, I was presented with another opportunity to Trust and Listen (well, every moment is an opportunity to Trust and Listen but I'm still learning).  As I was enjoying my meal outside, a man approached the table I was sitting at.  No one else was eating outside because it was probably too cool and windy but being from MN it felt balmy.  This man appeared as though he had fallen on hard times and he had dirt on his hands and not the cleanest clothes I've ever seen.  In the past, I would have listened to the egoic thoughts like "You're all alone you need to leave to protect yourself" or "I hope he doesn't ask me for money because I don't want to lie and say I don't have it since I really do".

The most beautiful thing happened: As he started to speak, I felt NO fear at all!  At first I couldn't make out what he was saying because he was softspoken almost as if he was ashamed of what he was saying.  He said "No disrespect, but I was wondering if you could spare some change?"  Sure enough, he had just asked me for money.  Instead of saying "Sorry man, I don't have any" I immediately, and without hesitation, gave him all the change in my pocket.  There was this sense of Knowing that he was NO different than me and there is no reason to cherish material things over the most beautiful thing of all: A reflection of the Sonship that reminds me we are all One with God equally with no part of the Sonship being more or less worthy than the other!  :)  Thank you God!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

Time To See How Far the Rabbit Hole Goes

April 20, 2010:  It is just past midnight as I write this and I will be leaving the monastery later in the morning.  My time here has been PRICELESS and I am so happy that I followed the Guidance of the Holy Spirit.  It's funny because the more the ego is undone the more I don't know the image of 'me' that the ego used to project! :)

Things like: 'Did I really used to get so upset about dishes not being spotless after they were cleaned?' or 'Did I really hoard things and hang onto stuff for 15-20 years?'  It's interesting because over the past year I have gone from a house to a townhouse to an apartment to a car and now I am packing all of my material things into a backpack!  The process of becoming aware of attachment and learning to release it has been cathartic as well as chaotic.  It is chaotic to the ego to think about letting go of everything that it used to define 'me' but now that I am aware of the egoic thoughts I can release them to the Holy Spirit and a new perspective takes place.  This is very freeing and feels so amazing!  :)

I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for guiding me here and gently waking me up to my True Self!  :)  I am also very grateful to Lisa, Leila, and Devan for being so open and willing to hold the Truth while I have become aware of my resistance and my process of releasing it!  :)

I know that the ego still tries to maintain control but I feel that I now have the tools to continue to undo it and I always have the Holy Spirit to guide me!  :)  My experiences here as well as leading up to coming here have given me the confidence to continue to Trust the Holy Spirit and I know that my journey will get even better.  I have about two weeks before I make it to Kentucky for my retreat with David and the others.   I am excited about not having to rush or feel as though I must be somewhere right away.  I am also very excited (and sometimes fearful) of not having a concrete plan and the uncertainty that goes with it.  It is with Trust and willingness that I put my faith in the Holy Spirit to guide me Home!  :)

I still feel guided to use this blog and my Facebook page to journal my path even though my time at the monastery has come to a close.   I hope that EVERYONE finds the Peace and Joy that God Wills for us!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

End of Day 12: It Feels Like Several Lifetimes

April 17, 2010:  I don't even know the date any more without looking at the computer.  It feels like it has been years since I wrote my last blog entry (in a good way)!  :)

It seems like so much happens in a day that it would take forever to describe it all.  One thing I know for certain is that there are no coincidences and my coming to the monastery was exactly what I needed when I needed it!  :)

So many drastic changes have happened in the past year that I now realize happened for a reason and not because of chance or chaos.  Even though the ego would like me to believe that I have lost everything, I am convinced that I am on my way to GAINING EVERYTHING through remembrance of God and my True Self.  I am fully willing to Trust the Holy Spirit because I have had so many experiences that turned out better than the ego could ever provide.

Even in my 'happiest' memories there was always some unhappiness.  Is that what God Wills for us?  No, because then God could not be pure Love and Joy.  That means anytime there is not complete happiness it is still the ego trying to maintain control via illusions.  The great thing though is that I am now more aware of the egoic thoughts and I don't have to indulge in them unconsciously.  I can choose not to act on these thoughts and instead have a different choice.  I am learning to become aware of the Holy Spirit speaking to me all of the time and I have much more Peace when acting on this guidance!  :)

This change in perspective means that I can now Hear the Holy Spirit no matter what I am doing.  Music, movies, meals, projects, and everything I do I can now experience in a completely different way.  The ego has not been completely undone but I am now aware that I am not the image that the ego has created.  The ego is not the 'friend' to me that it would have me believe!  I can't even imagine the great things that are in store for me as I continue to Trust and acknowledge that I do not perceive my own best interests.  That's because the concept of 'I' or 'me' is one that the ego developed.  Instead I see that the separate selves that I have perceived are in fact the projections that the ego has tried to use to keep me from seeing that there is only One!  :)

In a couple of days, I will be leaving the monastery and making my way to Kentucky for a retreat with David Hoffmeister and others.  I am excited because this is where I was guided to go and this Guidance has provided everything I have needed.  I hope that everyone awakens to their True Self to experience Pure Love and Happiness because that's what God Wills for everyone!  Thank you God!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

End of Week 1: Every Day Is A Miracle!

April 12, 2010: It's kind of weird to think that I have been here for a week already!  :)  In fact, time has become so foreign to me.  I usually don't know the date, the day, or the time.  The cool thing is that I don't pay attention to this anymore.  I trust that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at exactly the right time.  I don't tell myself that I have to go to bed at a certain time or that I have to get 8 hours of sleep to feel good.  Interestingly, when I do get up and glance at the clock it is always around the same time no matter what time I go to bed!  :)  The best part is that I have less and less egoic thoughts about waking up.  Things like "I have to get up by (insert time here) or they'll think I'm a slacker" or "Am I supposed to be somewhere or doing something at a particular time that I need to get up?"  Now I allow myself to get up when I feel the urge to get up.  I don't feel in as much of a rush to get ready and start doing stuff.  I take my time and just recognize if/when I start to put pressure on myself.  This awareness rather than suppression of thoughts makes all the difference in the world!  :)

The ego cannot be undone by ignoring it.  Only by becoming aware of the ego and examining it's thought structure can it truly be released.  In this release, there is then empty space that with practice can start to be filled with the thoughts of the Mind of God.  The Holy Spirit which is the Voice for God speaks to ALL of us all of the time.  It is usually drowned out by the thoughts of the ego because the Holy Spirit will never attack or force itself upon us but it will always answer when asked.  As said before, the answer may not be one we like when viewed from the perspective of the ego but it is always what is best for everyone.  This process is the main focus that I have been learning during my time here.  The best part is that anything we do can be used for this purpose.  It doesn't have to be just projects but can be done with music and movies which are two interests that I have always enjoyed.

In fact, yesterday (I think) I was moved to get up and listen to some music.  One song that I really enjoyed but hadn't listened to in awhile was 'Where Is the Love?' by The Black Eyed Peas.  As I was listening to this song, I became more aware of the lyrics than I ever had before now.  It is very interesting how a change in perspective can make such a difference.  It's as though the Holy Spirit is speaking to me through everything now.  This is true of conversations as well as music, movies, or anything really.

Some of the words are: "...but if you only have love for your own race/then you only leave space to discriminate/and to discriminate only generates hate/and when you hate then you're bound to get irate...yeah, madness is what you demonstrate/and that's exactly how anger works and operates/man you gotta have Love just to set it straight/take control of your mind and meditate/let your Soul gravitate to the Love y'all"!  Whoa!  I've heard those words before and always felt they were Truthful but now I have such a different perspective.  It is true madness to let the ego run the show!  I now choose to let my Soul gravitate to the Love!  :)

Also, from the chorus: "...Can you practice what you preach?/and won't you turn the other cheek?/Father, Father, Father help us/send some Guidance from above/cause people got me, got me questioning Where is the Love?..."  These words have whole new meaning for me now.  I was too angry to even contemplate the idea of turning the other cheek.  And I never truly practiced what I preached about equality.  Guidance? What was that? Now I cherish the Guidance and have gotten better at Trusting it.

Even more lines: "...not respecting each other/denying thy brother/a war is goin' on but the reason is undercover/the Truth is kept secret/it's swept under the rug/if you never know Truth, then you never know Love/..."!  This is a perfect example of the war going on in our minds.  The ego is battling to remain in control but would keep that a secret from us so that we never can expose it for the madness and denial of the Truth that it is!  :)  Fortunately, the Holy Spirit never left us and will always be there to listen to when we are ready!

And more: "...whatever happened to the values of humanity?/whatever happened to the fairness and equality?/instead of spreading Love we're spreading animosity/lack of understanding leading us away from Unity..." and "...One Love, One Love/we only got/One Love, One Love...".  The is only One Mind and only One Love! :)  The differences are seen by the ego to separate while the Mind of God only knows Oneness which includes One Love!  :)

I tell you that I have never danced or sang like I did while listening to that song over and over!  I didn't care who saw me because I couldn't deny the Truth anymore.  I was walking/dancing down the road and I felt totally Loved and totally safe!  There was no need to put up a defense when enveloped by that kind of Love!  :)  This was just one song!  I saw 'Seven Days in Tibet', 'The Celestine Prophecy', 'Brother Sun, Sister Moon', and 'Revolver' and each movie was exactly what I needed to see to hear the Truth from the Holy Spirit.  In fact, 'Revolver' and 'Brother Sun, Sister Moon' are two of my new favorite movies!  :)  Thank you God!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

Days 3 & 4: Whoa, what FUN!

April 9, 2010:  On the third day Devan went with Lisa into Salt Lake City.  Leila and I stayed at the monastery and used the projects to look at the thoughts in our mind and train ourselves to focus our minds.  There were three projects that I was asked to use for this purpose: 1) research intranet software, 2) create a Living Miracles Monastery sign, and 3) create a new path to the shop.  The first project seemed simple but regardless of the perceived simplicity or difficulty the purpose remains the same.  The idea is to become aware of the thoughts in the mind instead of just running on cruise control without examining the thoughts.

Even with a 'simple' project I was able to be more aware of what I was thinking.  I was thinking egoic thoughts like: "Intranet is such a generic term; what are they looking for?", "Do they already have something in mind and what if I suggest something stupid or too expensive?"  I got on Google and did a search for 'intranet software'.  Of course with such a generic search there were so many results.  For some reason, I was drawn/guided to the second result after the sponsored links.  I checked it out and it seemed to do what I thought they wanted.  I was going to email my suggestion when the ego kicked in again: "Did I just get lazy and pick the first result?", "Wait, there was one above this, why didn't I choose that?", "This looks too expensive, are they going to get mad for suggesting this?"

At least I was able to be aware that I was having these insane thoughts.  At that point it became utterly laughable!  How could I possibly know what's best for everyone involved?  I was drawn to this link for a reason; Why not trust that guidance?  So I sent my email and the response was great.  David was thankful that I started the process and he even went ahead and started a trial version!  All that worrying and mindless chatter for nothing!  :)

This whole scenario kept playing out throughout the day.  It didn't matter if I was using a project to do this practice or something supposedly routine like eating a meal.  In fact, lunch both days played out exactly this way.  On Thursday, I was going to make lunch and automatically just started to make a sandwich.  The ego uses patterns/routines to try to defer attention from the insane thoughts like "Well, I had a sandwich yesterday and it was good so why not today?", or "If I have a sandwich, I'll have some consistency and I'll know how long my food will last."  What!?  Really!?  So I laughed at these insane thoughts and released them to the Holy Spirit.  It was then that I had the idea to have hummus, cheese, crackers, and a carrot.  It was very tasteful and so effortless that I had to laugh again.  :)  The same scenario played out today but in a different form.

Today I did decide to have a sandwich for lunch.  The first 'instinct' was to have chips with it because that's what I always have with my sandwich.  Huh?!  Is that a law that I have to follow?  Why couldn't I have something else.  Why do I always pair the same things together?  Why can't I mix and match?  So I had a good laugh and decided to have hummus and crackers with my sandwich.  As I was making my sandwich, I put the same things on it that I always do: mustard, mayonnaise, chicken, ham, and cheese.  Then it occurred to me to add this blueberry jalapeno preserves that I had.  The ego went nuts!  Thoughts like "Are you crazy?, Are you going to ruin a perfectly good sandwich?, Then what if you have to throw it away and run out of food?", etc.  Once again, I had a good laugh and decided to follow my inspiration rather than the ego.  Wouldn't you know it, that was one of the best sandwiches I've had in a long time!  :)

I could go on forever with so many examples because the ego is on guard 24/7/365 (366 on leap years)!  Things like when to wake up, when to go to bed, when to take a break, when/what to eat, how to do a project, etc.  The list is endless because the ego starts to become undone if it doesn't have control over everything.  I am so thankful to have received the guidance to come here and to have the courage to follow that guidance.  It is a priceless opportunity to be in an environment like this where the focus is not the form or the end result, but rather what the thoughts are in the mind that drive what we say and do.  Also, it is great to be around others that have been on this path for awhile.  It is like getting advice from a elder sibling.  Both of these things were exactly what I asked of the Holy Spirit.  All it takes is a little willingness to ask for guidance and the Holy Spirit will always answer.  Not always in the way the ego would want, but always for a purpose that is the best for everybody!  I never thought I could have so much fun and laugh doing things that seemed mundane from the perspective of the ego.  Thank you God!  :)

You can see pictures of the monastery here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2415&id=100000970851078&l=a4f1e2f729

Love,
Ben

My First Two Days At The Monastery

April 7, 2010: Yesterday was my first day here at the monastery and it was more difficult than I thought it was going to be! :) Not because anyone else made it difficult because after all there is no-one else. I was continuing to see myself as a body with an ego and projecting my feelings of inadequacy. This of course meant that I saw other people as bodies with an ego that were judging me like I was judging myself.

The first project I was asked to help with did not really make me aware of my resistance. I was asked to help move some furniture around and this is something I have done many times before. Although I do not perceive myself as the strongest person there wasn't any furniture that I saw as being an obstacle. The next project though was when stuff started to hit the fan.

I was asked to help Devan weatherproof doors around the monastery. I am comfortable when it comes to working on computers but do-it-yourself handyman type of stuff is not what I would consider my forte. At first, I started to have thoughts like what if I don't do it right? What if I screw it up? I thought that if I just was open to the Holy Spirit guiding me that everything would be peace and calm. Then we had different opinions on how to accomplish the task. I started wondering: If there is only One Mind and therefore One Holy Spirit, then why did we have different ideas? Was I listening to the ego and not the Holy Spirit? This was very disconcerting because I thought I was starting to get the hang of accepting guidance from the Holy Spirit.

Then Devan had to go do another project and that is when I really had a meltdown. Throughout all of the chaos and unhappiness, I just kept thinking that 'it need not be this way'. I created this prison for myself and I could just as easily leave it behind by releasing it to the Holy Spirit. After awhile I was able to experience some peace again and I figured I would bring it up to the others in the morning.

The next thing that caused resistance was the idea of creating this blog and accompanying Facebook page. I had been feeling guided to do this for about a month but still wanted to keep some things private. I kept hearing that to be One there could be no private thoughts. Then the ego chimed in with things like: What about hackers? What about identity theft?, etc. In the end I had to trust the Holy Spirit and accept that there was a purpose that was part of God's Will.

This morning I discussed my feelings with Devan, Lisa, and Leila. They helped me realize that I was still seeing myself as a body and not Spirit. This meant that I was not seeing others as Spirit. This also meant that I was not completely trusting the Holy Spirit and was still trying to keep myself separate. Also, I was not seeing that the Holy Spirit was working through them and by denying this opportunity I was not allowing the Holy Spirit's purpose to be fulfilled. I agreed that I could try Trusting completely and accepting my role as a follower which is the complete opposite of what my ego has created up until now. This is the focus that I tried to keep throughout the day.

Surprise, surprise, I felt much more peace today than yesterday! :) I went with Devan into town to run some errands and this was a great opportunity to see him as Spirit that the Holy Spirit was working through rather than a body. As a result, when he would talk I had less egoic thoughts like "He must be judging me, or He must be criticizing me or telling me that I was wrong". That is not to say that I experienced no resistance throughout the day but it was much less than the day before. Also, it was nice to have someone to talk to and ask advice without feeling like I always needed to defend myself! :) God is Great! Love, Ben

On My Way!

April 6, 2010: On Thursday, April 1st I departed Minneapolis, MN on my way to Utah (no April Fool's joke). I left with all my material possessions packed in my car as I had been evicted from my apartment. The eviction was just another lesson in forgiveness that I needed to experience. Over the past year other lessons I have gone through are unemployment, foreclosure, bankruptcy, divorce (not yet finalized), and attempted suicide. Thankfully I was open to guidance from the Holy Spirit along the way! :) In fact, it is through that guidance that I was inspired to create this blog and accompanying Facebook page detailing my journey.

It is no coincidence that also about a year ago a friend of mine recommended I read 'Disappearance of the Universe' by Gary Renard (www.garyrenard.com). This book as well as Gary's other book 'Your Immortal Reality' changed my perception of life drastically. After reading these books, I finally felt like I had found what I was searching for my whole life! That was both scary and exciting at the same time. It was through Gary's books that I found out about 'A Course In Miracles' (ACIM) published by the Foundation For Inner Peace (www.acim.org).

After embracing the ideas in these books as well as receiving guidance from the Holy Spirit I was led to the Living Miracles Monastery in Fruitland, UT (www.miracles-monastery.org). But before I came here I met my mom in Heber City, UT. This was significant for me because I had not seen her in 8 years and had very little contact with her. This was my choice as a result of holding grievances and not practicing true forgiveness. I knew that I could not awaken to my true reality while still continuing relationships that were not pure Love. I still experience resistance to undoing the ego but every moment is a chance to begin again and think with the Mind of God rather than the ego.

I will be detailing my experiences along the way and I trust that this blog will serve the purpose that the Holy Spirit has given it in fulfilling the Will of God. Love, Ben