My First Two Days At The Monastery

April 7, 2010: Yesterday was my first day here at the monastery and it was more difficult than I thought it was going to be! :) Not because anyone else made it difficult because after all there is no-one else. I was continuing to see myself as a body with an ego and projecting my feelings of inadequacy. This of course meant that I saw other people as bodies with an ego that were judging me like I was judging myself.

The first project I was asked to help with did not really make me aware of my resistance. I was asked to help move some furniture around and this is something I have done many times before. Although I do not perceive myself as the strongest person there wasn't any furniture that I saw as being an obstacle. The next project though was when stuff started to hit the fan.

I was asked to help Devan weatherproof doors around the monastery. I am comfortable when it comes to working on computers but do-it-yourself handyman type of stuff is not what I would consider my forte. At first, I started to have thoughts like what if I don't do it right? What if I screw it up? I thought that if I just was open to the Holy Spirit guiding me that everything would be peace and calm. Then we had different opinions on how to accomplish the task. I started wondering: If there is only One Mind and therefore One Holy Spirit, then why did we have different ideas? Was I listening to the ego and not the Holy Spirit? This was very disconcerting because I thought I was starting to get the hang of accepting guidance from the Holy Spirit.

Then Devan had to go do another project and that is when I really had a meltdown. Throughout all of the chaos and unhappiness, I just kept thinking that 'it need not be this way'. I created this prison for myself and I could just as easily leave it behind by releasing it to the Holy Spirit. After awhile I was able to experience some peace again and I figured I would bring it up to the others in the morning.

The next thing that caused resistance was the idea of creating this blog and accompanying Facebook page. I had been feeling guided to do this for about a month but still wanted to keep some things private. I kept hearing that to be One there could be no private thoughts. Then the ego chimed in with things like: What about hackers? What about identity theft?, etc. In the end I had to trust the Holy Spirit and accept that there was a purpose that was part of God's Will.

This morning I discussed my feelings with Devan, Lisa, and Leila. They helped me realize that I was still seeing myself as a body and not Spirit. This meant that I was not seeing others as Spirit. This also meant that I was not completely trusting the Holy Spirit and was still trying to keep myself separate. Also, I was not seeing that the Holy Spirit was working through them and by denying this opportunity I was not allowing the Holy Spirit's purpose to be fulfilled. I agreed that I could try Trusting completely and accepting my role as a follower which is the complete opposite of what my ego has created up until now. This is the focus that I tried to keep throughout the day.

Surprise, surprise, I felt much more peace today than yesterday! :) I went with Devan into town to run some errands and this was a great opportunity to see him as Spirit that the Holy Spirit was working through rather than a body. As a result, when he would talk I had less egoic thoughts like "He must be judging me, or He must be criticizing me or telling me that I was wrong". That is not to say that I experienced no resistance throughout the day but it was much less than the day before. Also, it was nice to have someone to talk to and ask advice without feeling like I always needed to defend myself! :) God is Great! Love, Ben