Mimzy or Ben?...They Are Both Symbols

April 26, 2010:  I have had thoughts about my name since childhood.  In hindsight, I can see that these thoughts were just superficial egoic thoughts used to distract me (like all egoic thoughts!).  Things like: "Why did my parents name me Benjamin Harrison Cohen Jr.?" or "Where did the name come from and does it have any significant meaning?" or "Why did they use the same name as my Dad?  Couldn't they come up with something else?"  Many times this last question would lead to angry thoughts about how much angst I could have been spared with a different name.  That way there wouldn't have been so much confusion about phone calls or mail.  Also, people wouldn't have felt the need to call me Benny just to distinguish me from my dad who went by Ben.  There were many other angry thoughts but the point is that I was creating this anguish for myself.  More importantly, it was disguising the underlying anger and hate that I had for myself!!

I didn't really recognize that last fact until the somewhat recent past.  I recall that I started thinking about my name more and more since I read 'Disappearance of the Universe' about a year and a half ago.  I didn't know why I was thinking about it more at that point.  I remember thoughts like: "I want something UNIQUE, something that no one would have preconceived prejudices about! (I didn't yet realize it was my prejudices that I was projecting on others)" or "Am I going to have to come up with a symbol like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince that no one could even say?!" or "Am I going to be so intolerant that anyone who does call me by my former name will feel the wrath?"

I remember trying to brainstorm (a funny word to me) about the possibilities but NOTHING would come to me!  I would think about my interests and feel that there had to be something associated with a movie, song, hobby, etc. that would suffice.  After all, anything had to be better than Ben, right?!  I finally had to give up the thought if for no other reason than the sense of failure I was feeling for not even being able to give myself a name that I liked (not realizing until I found the root cause nothing would be good enough)!  This quest for a legal government name change had subsided but I found myself needing to create more and more accounts online for various things.  I somehow found this search a little easier because I felt it was not tied to 'me' or the image of 'me' and that account names can be changed or deleted with relative ease.

I remember that I tried different permutations of Neo since I particularly enjoyed The Matrix but I soon found that many 'others' had a similar like.  The next name that came to me was Willy Wonka since I especially had a fondness for 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' (even when I wasn't tripping!)  :)  By this time, I had long ago accepted the fact that I was crazy and I particularly identified with the craziness that Wonka exhibited (especially the last scene of the original with everything split in half like my mind!).  So I had started using the name 'CrazyWonka' online in various forms.  This seemed to be a relatively unique name that held some meaning I associated with me so I was very happy using it.  I thought that I would never have to come up with anything else until I went to record my YouTube video for my application to the monastery.  To my dismay, the name CrazyWonka had already been taken!  What?!  Someone else as crazy as me that also likes The Chocolate Factory?

I started to feel depressed because it seemed so hard to come up with CrazyWonka that I was sure I would never find another name that I liked (thanks ego)!  Surpisingly, with relative ease, I was able to come up with Mimzy Wonka.  This sent the ego into overdrive with thoughts like: "Mimzy sounds like a girl's name, if you didn't like pre-judgment before just think what 'others' will think when they hear that!" and other self-defeating thoughts like "Why don't you just call yourself Sue and get it over with?" at which point I started to hear that song 'A Boy Named Sue'!  :)  It occured to me that no matter what I chose it was really just MY judgment and prejudice that I was projecting onto 'everyone else'.  I decided that I really liked the meaning that I had attached to both symbols Mimzy and Wonka and that was good enough for me!  Even though I had recognized it was my projecting that I was perceiving, I still had not found the root cause of the projection.

Then I arrived at the Living Miracles Monastery and the thought to change my legal name to Mimzy was REALLY strong!  At one point I was in the truck with Devan and I just burst out laughing!  :)  I was so close to actually filing for a legal name change.  At this point, I was getting better at being aware of my thoughts and seeing how the ego would try to take control.  That was really what was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing.  It seemed no matter what I came up with the ego was ALWAYS going to try to maintain control (even if I changed it to 'I Hate Myself')!  :)  The next day or so I brought my thoughts up to Lisa and asked for some help in trying to figure out why I was having these thoughts.  She said something like I needed to really look at my motivation for the desire to change my name.  Also, she added that sometimes the ego when faced with its own undoing will attempt to create another image to avoid this.

So I followed Lisa's suggestion which led me to finally get to the root cause of my motivation: I HATED myself and that is why I attached so many negative thoughts and associations to the name Ben.  It didn't really matter what my name was because I would have had the same feelings about anything that I associated with the 'image' of who I thought I was!  This was quite an eye-opener!  Ever since then I have had ambivalence about being called Ben.  After all, it was the negative attachment that I was creating and projecting outward that was causing the anguish for myself and not the opposite!

Curiously, even though I have come to accept the name Ben as being only neutral, I still have the thoughts about contiuing to use it online and even legally changing it.  I know part of this is because I still have not FULLY accepted my True Identity but I now see that the ego is trying to use 'good' attachment to try to maintain control.  The ego's reasoning is that I have associated Pure Love with Mimzy and the ability to SEE differently with Wonka so it's all good and therefore that is a justified motivation for making the change!  Silly ego, tricks are for kids!  ;)  I am really learning the Course lessons on neutrality and meaning like (2) 'I have given everything I see...all the meaning that is has for me'.  It doesn't just say 'bad' meaning but 'good' meaning too!  Everything is truly neutral until I assign it meaning!  So, Mimzy or Ben (or Sue)?  It doesn't matter what anyone calls me because they are all symbols and I have the power not to assign any meaning at all!  :)  I instead choose to focus on accepting my True Identity and if I start to feel anything but neutrality then I have a great opportunity to continue to learn my lessons and choose again!  :)

Love,
Mimzy, Ben, Benny, (and yes even Sue)!  :)