What A Long Strange Trip It's Been!

November 20, 2010:  It's been six months since my last blog entry and yet it feels like six lifetimes!  :)  The last entry was in May after I left the monastery for the first time and after my first retreat with David Hoffmeister and the Messengers of Peace.  Since then I have been to seven retreats and have been at the monastery for two more extended stays.  In fact, I am writing this from the monastery in Utah where I have been living for almost two months now.  Fall is turning into winter and the number of projects to prepare for the upcoming weather is slowly dwindling.  As a result, I have more time to go inward and reflect on the Miraculous blessings I have been given.  I am feeling Guided to share the details of some of those Miracles and extend the Love that I feel!  :)

To pick up where I left off, I was leaving northern Kentucky after a beautiful 10 day stay with Susan to go visit Lauren in Georgia before the upcoming week long retreat at the end of May going into June.  At the time I was still driving my 1999 Ford Crown Victoria that had major engine problems that started before I even left Minnesota in April.  In addition to getting to see the place where Lauren and Devan were going to have a retreat center, I was going so that I could leave my car behind and drive Lauren's vehicle to Utah.  In hindsight, I can see that this decision was based more on fear than on Guidance from the Holy Spirit, D'oh!  :)  This is quite surprising considering I thought I had gotten past my fear surrounding my vehicle!  :)

I had accepted the fact that I would leave MN later than had I planned due to the unforeseen engine problems.  I had also let go of my worries about the money that I had spent to keep it running just so that I could get to the monastery in the first place.  In fact, by the time I went to leave KY I had even put several thousand miles on that vehicle and gotten used to the 'Check Engine' light staying on constantly.  So to make a snap decision on where to go next based on the fear of the Crown Vic failing was not something I would become aware of until the following events unfolded.

It was just less than a week before the big retreat was to start that I received a text message from Devan.  In it, he asked me what I thought about going to GA to stay with Lauren for a few days.  Then I could leave my Ford there and drive her Explorer to Utah since she was flying out to the retreat.  It sounded like a win-win scenario because I could save the miles on my car and then drive back from UT with Devan.  In addition, her vehicle had a hitch attached so that we could tow a trailer back as well.  This would be helpful for Devan because he was getting married to Lauren at the retreat and was now going to be living in GA and would be able to bring all his belongings.  Instead of taking the time to pray for Guidance as I was getting used to doing, I fell for the double whammy ego trap of people pleasing and being driven by fear!

Before I knew it, I would be on my way to Lauren's place for a brief stay until I would head out to UT.  I would not become aware of the snowball effect of that fearful decision right away.  I was feeling great and even got to attend a Course study group in Lauren's area, but slowly I would start to feel unsettled.  I wasn't aware of exactly what was causing this feeling.  In fact, most of the time I felt centered and watched as Lauren would process her thoughts about the upcoming wedding.  Over the next few days, though, this unsettled feeling would grow until I just felt that I had to do something different.  This uneasiness would grow every time we would discuss the logistics of my leaving.  The details of when to leave, where to leave my car, and other details had not been worked out in advance.  Lauren was living part of the week in one area and going to school and living with her parents in another area the rest of the week.  Instead of speaking up right away and voicing my feelings of loss of Peace, I did not look at it and buried it until it grew into anger.

The day before I was supposed to leave came and I felt like I was ready to blow!  Lauren had been talking about leaving early that day to go to her parents and I had thoughts swirling in my head making me go crazy.  Thoughts like: "I'm going to be stuck in this house with no movies or TV and no place to go in this blue/dry county!" or "I still am not clear on what I'm doing with my car and how to deal with the tabs that will expire while I'm gone!"  I can see now that these thoughts were really just distractions of the ego to cover over the fact that I had made a decision based on fear and people pleasing.  Finally, I had to say something and told Lauren that I was going to leave that day in my vehicle.  She asked me to stay so we could call Devan and the three of us could join.  I decided to do this but by this time the anger that had been building was so intense that the conversation did not go smoothly.  I felt as though I was being attacked and asked to do something I didn't want to do as well as feeling guilty for breaking my commitment to Devan and Lauren.  Even after spending some time 'trying to hear Guidance', I decided that I needed to go and would deal with the results.

I looked at the map and felt that I should cross the MN state line and stop in the southern city of Albert Lea to take care of the issue of the expiring tabs.  This would mean spending more time and money as opposed to a direct route to Utah but it would give me some Peace of Mind.  It would not give me total Peace of Mind as the ego would still bring up the guilt of breaking my word to drive the Explorer and help Devan and Lauren.  I got a couple hours away from MN and all of a sudden a thought came that would give me some temporary Peace and Happiness: No matter what choice I make I am ALWAYS where I'm supposed to be!  This is central to the idea that we 'cannot screw it up'!  It also explains the GPS analogy that I heard discussed at the retreat: The idea that even if the Guidance is to turn right and I choose to turn left that the Holy Spirit doesn't leave because I am a 'failure' but it just recalculates the route from where I am.  It may end up being a detour and not the most direct route but I cannot be guilty and unworthy or that would make this world/illusion real and my identity as a Child of God would be false!  :)

I would get into Albert Lea feeling great and have no problems getting my tabs renewed.  The humorous thing about that is rather than just getting new tabs which could have been easily mailed to me I also got new plates!  It was as if the Holy Spirit was changing the form so that I could let go of some of my guilt.  The other thing that is quite amazing is that I sent a postcard that afternoon after the time of the last listed mail pickup.  I thought for sure that this meant it would take two days to find its destination but instead it arrived the next day! :)  I would make my way to Utah in great time only to experience that I still had not fully looked at the motivations of my earlier decision.

As I was driving past a used car shop in Heber about an hour from the monastery, my attention was strongly attracted to a particular vehicle on the lot.  I had driven past many used cars over thousands of miles in this Crown Victoria that lasted longer than rational/logical thinking could explain.  For some reason, though, this vehicle caught my attention while all the others did not.  I had arrived a day earlier than I thought I would so I decided to stop and take a look.   It turned out to be a 1995 Toyota 4Runner.  The interesting thing is that for about four years in the mid '90s that was the vehicle that I REALLY wanted!  Now 15 years later here I am looking at the prospect of buying one!  :)  In addition to being a '95, it also had a manual transmission with an asking price of $2800.  Right away the ego had a field day with this with thoughts like: "You can't spend that much money without a job especially on a 15 year old vehicle!" or "You've never driven a car with a manual transmission in your life!"  I decided to drive on and take some time to pray for Guidance.  I had thoughts like "Well, I've ridden a motorcycle before so I'm used to shifting and besides sometimes an automatic doesn't shift when I want it to anyway!"  :)  I heard that I should go back the next day and offer to trade my Ford and pay $2000 to drive off the lot with the 4Runner.  I Trusted this was Guidance and didn't think about it the rest of the day.

I arrived at the monastery later that afternoon and right away I was helping with a project involving a small cabin that was being delivered.  At one point Lisa came up to me to say hello and talk about my plans.  She asked if I was willing to volunteer for the retreat rather than just be a participant.  This was only my second retreat but I was definitely Willing!  She said that as a volunteer and considering a donation I had made in April that I would be able to attend without paying the $750 fee!  :)  I was ecstatic since that was going to be a large amount considering the money I had remaining and the prospect of paying for the 4Runner!  :)  She also asked what I was going to do after the retreat was over.  I told her that originally I was going to drive Lauren's car to UT and go back to GA with Devan when the retreat was over.  Since I chose to drive my own car and since it didn't have a hitch for a trailer I told her that I wasn't sure what I was going to do and that I was wondering if I could stay at the monastery.  She said that she would need to join with the Messengers and get back to me about that.  I was getting used to not knowing until the last minute where I would go so I was definitely fine with that.

The next morning I left the monastery to go pickup Devan and Lauren from Devan's parents' house in Orem.  I would have to drive past Heber where the 4Runner was both in picking them up and driving back to the monastery.  When I got to Orem, I let them know that I wanted to stop in Heber on the way back and filled them in about the vehicle.  I told them about how I had always wanted a vehicle like this and how it kept pulling my attention and the Guidance how it would work out.  We pulled into the lot and I took it for a test drive.  At first, it took a little getting used to the sensitivity of the clutch but I had not problem with the mechanics of how to shift and drive from my motorcycle experience.  I got back to the dealer and made the offer to trade based on the Guidance I heard.

At first, he didn't seem too receptive and I was willing to let it go and Trust that when I was ready to get a new vehicle that it would be given.  After a brief moment, though, he agreed to the terms completely!  The ego went nuts with thoughts like: "You haven't even run a CarFax report or done any due diligence!" or "He agreed way too quickly and you're getting screwed!"  I couldn't help but laugh because I did my 'due diligence' when I bought the Crown Victoria only to have serious problems months later!  :)  Besides, I was Trusting that what I heard was Guidance so I didn't give any more thought to the idea that I could have gotten it cheaper.  The only thing was that he said the freon in the AC needed to be recharged as well as another detail so he asked if I was willing to come back to complete the deal.  I told him that was no problem as I was going to be around for a week and I would come back next Friday.  To make things more interesting the 4Runner had a hitch that could tow a trailer and he had a GREAT deal on a slightly used trailer!  It was starting to look like maybe 'things would work out' and I could somehow keep my commitment that I felt I broke to help get Devan's things back to GA.  At this point, though, I was still unsure of what would happen at the end of the week and Trusted that everything would work out.

The week would have its highs and lows but everything would happen for a reason.  As a volunteer, I was asked to help out with things like cleaning, organizing, and being attentive to a particular area.  In this case, my area of responsibility was to be attentive to the fire in the chapel.  This was all coordinated by Sue who had been given the role of volunteer coordinator.  Every morning she would meet with Lisa to feel out the Guidance for the days tasks.  It was decided at the beginning of the retreat that a fire should be kept burning in the chapel all night as it was getting cool overnight and then the people camping would be able to come warm up.  At first, the ego would use this to keep me in a constant state of guilt with worries about not getting up in time to put another log on the fire.  It was beautiful though because I felt the Guidance of when to get up and it was always perfect timing.  The second night though something would happen that would really be a chance for the ego to attack.  I had used matches to light the fire and in my inattentiveness had left the box on top of the wood burning fireplace/stove.  The heat emanating from the top of the stove would set the box ablaze.  Fortunately it would just burn itself out without spreading but not before the intense smell of Sulfur would wake Ken up who was sleeping above the chapel.  I found out about this the next day and upon hearing this I had INTENSE guilt arise with thoughts like: "I could have burned down the whole chapel!" or "I could have killed Ken!"  The guilt was so intense that I even had the thought that I should just leave now before they have a chance to kick me out!  Fortunately, this is a place of true Forgiveness and there were no such thoughts!  :)  This was not the only upset of Peace surrounding the responsibility of the fire.

Over the next day or two the weather had warmed up significantly to the point that one morning I went in and someone had opened the windows saying that it was too warm in the chapel.  The ego jumped in with the idea that because of that sentiment as well as the warmer weather that the logical thing to do was to not keep a fire going all night.  The next morning, Sue asked me why the fire wasn't going last night.  I told her about the comment about it being too warm and that I felt it was warm enough for this.  She said that this was not the Guidance and that it's about Trusting her that she is listening to Guidance and not saying things as a separate person just to control me.  I did not fully Trust that she was hearing Guidance and questioned whether she had joined with Lisa on the matter because the Guidance originally came when it was colder.  This, though, was not what I was being asked to do.  I was being asked to be attentive and follow Guidance.  This resulted in the ego chiming in with thoughts like "Well, if I'm supposed to blindly follow 'commands' that I might as well join the Army" or "This is just another form of chain of command with David at the top!"  It wasn't until I joined with Kirsten that I was able to see differently.  As for the chain of command thought, she shared how it doesn't work that way.  When they went shopping for groceries for the retreat, it was Lisa's area of responsibility.  David went along and was actually a runner getting things on the list.  When he came back with something that wasn't on the list, Lisa pointed this out and that it was an add-on and he put it back.  This was very fascinating to hear because that blows the whole idea that there is a commander and commands are issued from the top down.  It is really about following Guidance and Trusting that the Holy Spirit knows what's best for EVERYONE.  It made it a lot easier to Trust and follow instead of trying to rationalize and do what 'I' thought was best!  :)  It was a very healing moment and I felt very Peaceful and Happy!  :)  This was not the only time I would feel this way.

Near the end of the week Lisa told me that the Messengers had joined and that I could stay at the monastery after the retreat and help with projects.  There was a big project to be completed that involved staining every building on the property.  I was very happy and Willing to be able to stay and help out and continue with the Mind training!  :)  I felt great and would enjoy the rest of the retreat including an 'Angel Bath' which I had never experienced.  This is where everyone stands in two lines facing each other and one person at the end walks between them while people extend Love by touching and speaking whatever is Guided!  It was intense and even uncomfortable at first but by the end I was Loving it!  :)  By the time the retreat was over, I was ready to go get my new vehicle and come back for more!  :)

This is where I started to see the snowball effect of my choice almost two weeks ago and the idea of being in integrity.  At the end of the retreat, Lauren would take the shuttle(van) to the airport to fly back to GA.  I drove Devan back to his parents' house stopping to trade in my vehicle first.  I got to the dealer and he had not completed the tasks that he had said would be done by that time.  He said it wouldn't be done until Monday.  I didn't know what to do as I was expecting to drop Devan off and go back to the monastery.  Devan invited me to come stay the weekend and pick my car up Monday.  We made it to Orem and I tried calling the monastery four times to join and get some Guidance.  I was not able to get talk to anyone there and left a message to call back.  I decided to at least spend the night and try again in the morning.  That night Devan and I discussed possibilities for what would happen.  Ultimately, we decided that I would spend the weekend, pick my car up Monday, and then we could drive back to GA with a trailer attached.  I figured this way I could fulfill my original commitment and they wouldn't miss me at the monastery anyway.  By the next morning, though, I felt this strong urge that I needed to go back to the monastery right away.

When I got back to the monastery I saw Jenny and Chris as I pulled up.  I told Jenny about what happened with the vehicle and that I felt to come back and help with the staining for a few days before picking up the 4Runner and heading to GA.  This is when it all started to become clear about the motivations of people pleasing and fear and the idea of being in integrity.  She said that I had committed to the staining project and that it wouldn't even begin until Monday.  She talked about needing to follow through with commitments for Peace of Mind that results from being in integrity.  She asked me why I didn't discuss this with anyone before making this decision.  I mentioned that I tried to join and couldn't reach anyone and that I left a message.  I felt so confused and even broke down crying because I felt like I tried to stay in contact when the form seemed to change and that not being able to do that I had to tune into Guidance and do what I thought I was prompted to do.  She said that we should call Devan and all join together to talk it out.

The conversation did not go well as it seemed that I was stuck in the middle of two people saying that I had committed to conflicting plans.  Devan mentioned how originally I was going to go back to GA with him with Jenny asking why I committed to be at the monastery.  I recounted how things played out and how I felt things seemed to change every few days and that is why I felt I ended up in this situation.  It was then that Jason joined us and quickly became aware of the situation even though he was not aware of all the details.  It was then that I could see by not praying for Guidance when I made the choice to leave KY and go to GA that everything was off since then.  I had made a decision out of fear and now I was trying to come up with a solution to please everyone and not let anyone down or break any commitments.  As I tried to do this while we were on the phone, Jason said that I needed to take some time alone to pray to get VERY clear on what should happen.  The expression he used was "so what, now what?"  Stop dwelling on the past and trying to figure out how to 'fix' things and listen for Guidance in the present moment on how to proceed.

After spending time in my tent, the Guidance came very clearly that I should stay at the monastery for the next two weeks and then through the next weekend retreat.  This clarity provided me with a sense of Peace and even courage to say what I needed to say.  The ego wanted me to feel guilty for letting Devan down for not providing a vehicle to get the trailer back to GA.  In addition, my friend Michelle had bought me a ticket to go see Dave Matthews Band in Cincinnati and even though I told her when I bought it that I didn't know where I would be, the ego wanted me to feel guilty for this as well.  I was able to talk to Devan and he was very understanding and forgiving.  He asked me about the concept of integrity and I explained my perception after speaking with Jason about how integrity is when everything is fully aligned.  When I take the time to ask for Guidance from the Holy Spirit, the part of the Mind that knows what's best for everyone, that I Trust and follow with Peace of Mind.  By making snap decisions without clear Guidance I was only falling for the ego's trap to be in a situation that is lose-lose, not win-win!  This felt very good to express and I was confident that everything would work out for the best for everyone!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

Part 2 of My Journey to Kentucky

May 18, 2010:  So I had just had a Miraculous experience with the Oklahoma State Trooper and I was on my way continuing my 'hermitage' to Kentucky.  It is almost unbelievable that I could be having so much fun just driving by 'myself'!  :)  In the past, I was so focused on getting to the destination that getting there felt like such a chore and something I wished I could skip by just saying 'Beam me up (or there), Scotty!'  :)  Now I cherish the present moment and the Miracles I have been blessed to experience!  :)

The next Miracle came in the form of a diversion just outside of El Reno, OK.  During my trip I had seen many billboards for tourist stops to purchase Native American jewelry, crafts, etc.  I had just spent the last few months letting go of my attachment to material things until I was left with what fit in two backpacks in my car.  As a result, I didn't have much interest in succumbing to the egoic desire to buy more stuff!  :)  Yet, as I was just outside of El Reno I was drawn to the billboard for the Cherokee Trading Post.  There were several billboards for this location but the one that caught my attention was for authentic Native American flutes.

I had the urge to buy a flute like this several times in the past couple of years.  In hindsight, I realize that those urges were more about trying to buy stuff to fill the void that I have as a result of thinking that I have lost God's Love.  This experience was quite different and, in fact, the ego tried to talk me out of stopping as soon as I was Guided to stop.  Egoic thoughts occurred like "Another needless stop? You're losing time!" or "You just got rid of almost everything and now you want to start accumulating again?"  Once again, the ego tried to use it's own undoing to it's advantage!  After all, the ego was responsible for the massive accumulation in the first place and now it wanted to act like it was against having material things!  Not to be misled, I decided that I was feeling Guided to stop for a reason even if I didn't end up purchasing a flute.

It turned out that this would be one of the most pleasant buying experiences ever!  :)  I walked into the Cherokee Trading Post and was Guided right to the display of beautiful flutes.  There was no one behind the counter so I had time to be aware of the ego still trying to persuade me to leave without a flute.  Thoughts like "Well, no one came to help so it must not be meant for you to get a flute!" or even better "Well, look at how wrong you were...you must not really know True Guidance!"  :)  Once again, rather than give in to the ego I decided that I would look at the rest of the store and take my time instead of pressuring myself to get 'back on the road' right away!  :)

I took my time looking at all of the beautiful items being sold and made my way back to the display of flutes.  It was then that I realized I was being drawn to a particular flute.  This was not the most ornate flute on display and, consequently, was not the most expensive flute.  This was another moment where the ego tried to assert control.  In the past, whenever I bought something or started a new hobby I would always go for 'the best', i.e. the most expensive.  I see now that by doing this it was just an attempt by the ego to fill the perceived void of Love by thinking that 'the best' material possession was a suitable substitute.  As I was having these thoughts and accepting that I did not need the most expensive flute, I was greeted by a gentleman behind the counter.

Paul asked me if I had ever played the flute and I replied 'no'.  He asked if I would like to and I emphatically said 'yes'.  He said that he could have me playing the flute in two minutes and was very calm and confident in this statement.  In actuality, it was probably closer to five minutes but I'll let him and the Holy Spirit slide on that one!  ;)  After all, Forgiveness is the key to Salvation, right?  :)  The first thing Paul did was ask me to close my eyes and listen to him play two different flutes.  I liked the first one better than the second and he informed me that it was tuned to the key of 'G'.

I loved that he was using such an intuitive process rather than a logical/rational (i.e. egoic) way to select the appropriate flute.  Next he asked if I felt as though I would like a 5-hole or 6-hole flute and I felt Guided towards six holes.  He then went through the process of actually showing me how to hold the flute as well as how to breathe/exhale rather than blow!  I loved that I was going to get the opportunity to be even more aware of my breathing and resistance while learning to play such a beautiful sounding instrument!  After all, most of my life I have spent holding my breath instead of breathing deeply and easily!  :)  Also, any time he asked me to try the next technique he asked me to close my eyes which was very comforting.  Once again, this was a great way to disengage the ego by not relying on the false perception of sight using the physical eyes!  :)

Once Paul had shown me all of the basic techniques, he showed me the flutes he had available in the key of 'G'.  As it turns out, he only had two flutes in that key and one of them was the one I had been drawn to the whole time!  The other one was the most expensive flute he had for sale and I didn't feel the need to ignore the Guidance I had received by going for 'the best'! :)  Paul then pulled out four of the same flute and held up each one rotating them so that I could see them in their entirety.  He asked which one I felt drawn to and it turned out to be the one on the wall that I had been looking at the whole time!  I had such a wonderful experience just listening to the Guidance and not allowing the ego to control the experience!  :)  I thanked Paul for everything and after a leisurely meal at the restaurant was on my way again.

The rest of the journey to Kentucky was just as wonderful and before I knew it I had arrived in Williamstown at the perfect time!  :)  The retreat was a wonderful experience getting to meet so many wonderful people and really opening up even further exposing thoughts that I would have kept private in the past!  :)  My Faith and Willingness to Trust were being reinforced every day by the Miracles that I was experiencing and made everything so much easier than listening to the ego!  :)  This was no more evident than the absence of fear and resistance when considering the uncertainty of where I was going after the retreat was finished!  :)

Up until that weekend, every time I was set to leave one place I would experience fear and resistance because I was leaving it all of to the Holy Spirit.  That weekend though I would wake each day and say something like 'Holy Spirit, I ask for your Guidance throughout the day so that I may fulfill my part in God's plan for Salvation.  I also ask for Guidance in where I will be going after the retreat.'  During the first day of the retreat, Lauren sat down next to me and said that I was welcome to come stay with her in Georgia after the weekend!  I was ecstatic that she was open to the Guidance she received and was Willing to be so generous!  :)  I told her that I appreciated the offer but that I wanted to pray on it so that I was very clear that I was being Guided there and not just jumping at the invitation to allay any fear of uncertainty.  She was very understanding and it was a Miraculous encounter.

That night I asked the Holy Spirit for Guidance as to whether I should go to GA with Lauren.  The next morning, I asked the same thing and I still was not clear so I did not make a decision.  I had no way of knowing what was to happen later in the day!  :)  As the Holy Spirit would have it, Susan sat down with me and said she was Guided to offer to let me stay with her just outside of Cincinnati!  As grateful as I was to have yet another generous invitation, I was just as confused because now I was even less clear as to the Guidance of where I should go.  As with Lauren, I told Susan how much I appreciated the offer but that I needed to pray until I had clear Guidance.  In hindsight, there was a sign that I had not clearly seen when Kirsten asked me Saturday evening if I was going to Susan's.  This was weird because Kirsten was not there when Susan invited me and I was confused how she even knew that I was considering that possibility.  That night, I prayed once again with appreciation for the invitations and that I was hoping for clear Guidance as to where I should go.

Sunday morning I was even more grateful and confused as Chris offered to let me come stay with her in Cincinnati!  Here I was asking for Guidance and hoping for just one blessing and I received three instead!  :)  This compounded my appreciation but also my confusion yet again!  As with Lauren and Susan, I thanked Chris and said that I would pray to see where I was Guided.  I thanked the Holy Spirit and asked for clear Guidance when I received it a short while later.  I was sitting on the couch and Kerri asked me what time I was going to Susan's!  It couldn't get any clearer than that especially when I remember what Kirsten had said the day before!  :)  At that point, I once again thanked Lauren and Chris and told them that I felt Guided to stay with Susan.

The past ten days I have spent with Susan in Bellevue, KY just across the river from Cincinnati.  I got to see Chris again when I accompanied Susan to their ACIM study group.  I thought that I might actually go from Susan's to Chris' for a short stay before my trip to Utah, but the Holy Spirit has Guided me to travel to Georgia to see Lauren.  Lauren has generously offered to let me leave my ailing car at her place and drive her vehicle to UT for the retreat!  :)  I could go on and on with so many examples of the Miracles that I have been blessed to experience!  The best way to sum it all up is that the more I am willing to Trust the Holy Spirit and the more that I give, the more I have received.  In fact, I have received more than the ego could ever have imagined!  :)

Click here for pics of the Cherokee Trading Post

Love, Mimzy

Trust & Willingness Result in Peace & Joy!

May 12, 2010:  It feels like it has been FOREVER since I updated my blog rather than a couple of weeks!  :)  Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a camcorder rolling constantly because Miracles happen many times each day!  I wish that I could bottle up the Peace and Joy that I have been experiencing and somehow post it here for everyone to download.  :)  Instead, I will let the Holy Spirit Guide my writings and Trust that this blog is serving the purpose intended by the Holy Spirit.

The last blog entry I wrote was when I was still in California visiting my mom.  I knew my next destination was Williamstown, KY yet even with this amount of certainty I was still experiencing resistance in the last few days before I departed.  As with my previous departures, I did not let this resistance derail me and instead relied on my ever-present Guide to restore Peace of Mind.  In fact, I was thinking that I would leave late morning on Sunday the 2nd, but things happened that resulted in my leaving after dinner instead.  In the past, I would have caused myself serious anxiety by feeling as though I was behind schedule or slacking or trying to do too much.  In this case, I was able to remain calm and KNOW that everything would be taken care of and that I would leave exactly when I needed to leave.  That alone was enough to continue my Faith that I was on the right path but I could not predict what great things were in store!  :)

Since I left later than I thought I would, I only made it just across the Cali border into Arizona before I was ready to stop for the night.  Where and when I would stop was a decision that would play out similarly over the next couple of days until I reached KY.  The ego wanted me to decide ahead of time where to stop and then keep pushing further than that to make 'better time'.  Talk about a self-defeating frame of mind!  I mean it's bad enough that it wants to decide the future and what will be best for me, but then even that is never good enough!  Fortunately, as part of the process of awakening I have been more vigilant in being aware of my thoughts and then examining them to look at the motives.  If I am not Calm, Peaceful, and Joyful then I can be certain that the ego is trying to run the show.  Each time I started to feel uneasiness about whether I would find a 'safe' spot or make it 'far enough', I would remind myself that the Holy Spirit is always with me and will provide exactly what I need.  I found out that night that a chain of travel stops called Love's was to become my home.  I couldn't have picked a better name myself!  :)  So my first night was spent in Kingman, AZ sleeping in my car at Love's.  :)

I awoke the next morning without an alarm and that was a great feeling!  I actually got up before the sun had risen and didn't realize that this was a blessing because of what was to unfold during the day.  It was already May 3rd and I had hoped to reach my destination by the afternoon of the 5th, but I had only traveled 300 miles of my 2200 mile journey!  Not exactly a pleasing thought to the ego but fortunately I had not 'analyzed' it in that way.  :)

I remembered my mom mentioning a story about her trip to the Grand Canyon and I thought as long as I was so close to such a unique place that I should stop and enjoy the scenery instead of just keeping my blinders on and focusing on time and distance traveled.  This, of course, sent the ego into overdrive with thoughts of why I shouldn't stop like: "That's about 3 hours round trip out of the way and that's if I just drive by and wave!" or "So what...it's a canyon!  Who cares?  Besides it's all an illusion anyway, right?"  I just love that last one because the ego will use ANY thought to get what it wants even the ones it doesn't believe!  :)  Once again, I had a good laugh at the ego and decided to see the sights!  :)  Since I got up early that morning I was able to get a great parking spot before the crowds showed up.  Also, I spent two hours enjoying the view and didn't even feel in a rush to leave!  Talk about a Miracle!  :)

By the time I left, it was just before noon and I was feeling great!  Every time I needed food or gas there would be an exit with exactly what I needed when I needed it with no planning involved!  :)  I made it across Arizona and into New Mexico; however, there was one thing that managed to give rise to the ego's worries as the day went on:  The same question of where to stop for the night.  I wasn't sure if there would be a Love's in the area when I was ready to stop and figured I could always stop at a rest area.  Wouldn't you know it but ALL of the rest stops heading east in NM were closed!  I couldn't believe it.  I didn't really worry when the first one was closed because I wasn't even close to stopping.  When I passed the second one and it was closed as well I was starting to see a trend.  I figured surely the third one had to be open because otherwise what is a traveler to do?  I should have known better than to disturb my Peace of Mind with such worrisome thoughts because as the Holy Spirit would have it there was a Love's in Tucumcari, NM!  :)  'Problem' solved!  :)

The next morning I realized that I was doing just fine as far as my 'schedule' goes and that everything was working out better than I could have 'planned'.  When I stopped for breakfast and needed batteries for my MP3 player there 'just happened' to be a Target on the exit I chose.  This was great because it was cheaper than buying batteries at a gas station and I had a Target gift card as well as my discount so I could save my cash for gas!  :)  When I stopped for lunch there 'just happened' to be a bank branch on the exit I chose!  :)  Even things that would have caused me consternation in the past turned into yet another Miracle!  :)

Case in point: I was driving across Texas and I was either going the speed limit or no more than 2 mph over because I used to live there and remembered that you 'don't mess with Texas'.  I really didn't feel like getting a ticket so I was more conservative than my usual 5 mph over that I figured was a 'safe risk'.  Little did I know that Oklahoma isn't playing around when it comes to speeding and found this out first hand.  I had just crossed over the OK state line and saw that it was a 70 mph so I decided 70-74 mph was pretty safe.  Even though I saw the trooper camped in the median, I didn't see the sign below the speed limit sign that said 'Strictly Enforced'.  Well, I don't have cruise control and thought I was doing 70 mph when he clocked me but kept my eye on the rearview mirror just in case.  Sure enough, I start to see the squad car move and then pull out into traffic but there were several cars in between us and he didn't pull up right away.  A few seconds later, he accelerates and pulls up right behind me with his lights on, D'oh!  I pulled over and thought for sure I was getting a ticket instead of the Miracle to come!  :)

The trooper comes up to the passenger window and asks me if I know why he stopped me.  I said no and he said he clocked me doing 74 mph in a 70.  He said that it is a straight shot through OK and they have zero tolerance and enforce it to keep speeds in check.  I'm thinking that next comes the ticket and the big bite out of my wallet.  Instead he said he was going to issue me a warning but that he needed me to sit in the front passenger seat of the squad car.  I was ecstatic but that wasn't even what I consider the Miracle.  It's been quite a few years since I've had a ticket but I never like being pulled over much less sitting in a squad car.  In the past, I would have said as little as possible and been very anxious to get on my way.  Instead, I found myself very calm and engaging in the conversation that he was initiating.  He asked things like where I was from, the year of my vehicle, and basic information that he already knew from my license and registration.  Next, he started to talk about sports like hockey since his son played and I mentioned that my brother-in-law played for the University of Minnesota and some semi-pro as well.  Then he asked me where I was headed and that was when the Miracle started to unfold.

I said I was on my way to Kentucky for a retreat and of course his next question was what kind of retreat.  I told him that I was studying A Course In Miracles (ACIM) and that the retreat was centered around these teachings.  He had never heard of ACIM and asked me to explain.  Now, keep in mind that I had only left Minnesota about 5 weeks ago and at that time I still wasn't too comfortable talking to 'strangers' about this very different perspective on life.  But in what could only be described as a surreal moment, I said that ACIM was essentially a text discussing God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and basically life's purpose.  He asked me if it was based on Christianity and I said that it uses some of the ideas in the gospels but that they are interpreted in a very different way.  First of all, the Course says that we are already at Home with God in Heaven.  He asked "right now?" and without hesitation I said yes!  I continued to say that Jesus was not regarded as the only Son of God and that we could attain the same things as him with practice!  I went even further to say that the focus is not really on the crucifixion but the resurrection as a means to demonstrate the point we are already in Heaven!  I couldn't believe these words were coming out of my mouth!  For a split second, I did have an egoic thought that "Is Oklahoma in the bible belt and could he throw me in jail for saying these things?!"  That was just a fleeting thought and I knew that it didn't matter and I had to speak the Truth as I believed it and 'walk the walk'!  :)  By the time I knew it I had just had a spiritual discussion with an officer of the law and he was still letting me go with just a warning!  If that's not a Miracle, I don't know what is!  :)

To be continued...

Click Here for Grand Canyon Pics

Love, Mimzy

Mimzy or Ben?...They Are Both Symbols

April 26, 2010:  I have had thoughts about my name since childhood.  In hindsight, I can see that these thoughts were just superficial egoic thoughts used to distract me (like all egoic thoughts!).  Things like: "Why did my parents name me Benjamin Harrison Cohen Jr.?" or "Where did the name come from and does it have any significant meaning?" or "Why did they use the same name as my Dad?  Couldn't they come up with something else?"  Many times this last question would lead to angry thoughts about how much angst I could have been spared with a different name.  That way there wouldn't have been so much confusion about phone calls or mail.  Also, people wouldn't have felt the need to call me Benny just to distinguish me from my dad who went by Ben.  There were many other angry thoughts but the point is that I was creating this anguish for myself.  More importantly, it was disguising the underlying anger and hate that I had for myself!!

I didn't really recognize that last fact until the somewhat recent past.  I recall that I started thinking about my name more and more since I read 'Disappearance of the Universe' about a year and a half ago.  I didn't know why I was thinking about it more at that point.  I remember thoughts like: "I want something UNIQUE, something that no one would have preconceived prejudices about! (I didn't yet realize it was my prejudices that I was projecting on others)" or "Am I going to have to come up with a symbol like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince that no one could even say?!" or "Am I going to be so intolerant that anyone who does call me by my former name will feel the wrath?"

I remember trying to brainstorm (a funny word to me) about the possibilities but NOTHING would come to me!  I would think about my interests and feel that there had to be something associated with a movie, song, hobby, etc. that would suffice.  After all, anything had to be better than Ben, right?!  I finally had to give up the thought if for no other reason than the sense of failure I was feeling for not even being able to give myself a name that I liked (not realizing until I found the root cause nothing would be good enough)!  This quest for a legal government name change had subsided but I found myself needing to create more and more accounts online for various things.  I somehow found this search a little easier because I felt it was not tied to 'me' or the image of 'me' and that account names can be changed or deleted with relative ease.

I remember that I tried different permutations of Neo since I particularly enjoyed The Matrix but I soon found that many 'others' had a similar like.  The next name that came to me was Willy Wonka since I especially had a fondness for 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' (even when I wasn't tripping!)  :)  By this time, I had long ago accepted the fact that I was crazy and I particularly identified with the craziness that Wonka exhibited (especially the last scene of the original with everything split in half like my mind!).  So I had started using the name 'CrazyWonka' online in various forms.  This seemed to be a relatively unique name that held some meaning I associated with me so I was very happy using it.  I thought that I would never have to come up with anything else until I went to record my YouTube video for my application to the monastery.  To my dismay, the name CrazyWonka had already been taken!  What?!  Someone else as crazy as me that also likes The Chocolate Factory?

I started to feel depressed because it seemed so hard to come up with CrazyWonka that I was sure I would never find another name that I liked (thanks ego)!  Surpisingly, with relative ease, I was able to come up with Mimzy Wonka.  This sent the ego into overdrive with thoughts like: "Mimzy sounds like a girl's name, if you didn't like pre-judgment before just think what 'others' will think when they hear that!" and other self-defeating thoughts like "Why don't you just call yourself Sue and get it over with?" at which point I started to hear that song 'A Boy Named Sue'!  :)  It occured to me that no matter what I chose it was really just MY judgment and prejudice that I was projecting onto 'everyone else'.  I decided that I really liked the meaning that I had attached to both symbols Mimzy and Wonka and that was good enough for me!  Even though I had recognized it was my projecting that I was perceiving, I still had not found the root cause of the projection.

Then I arrived at the Living Miracles Monastery and the thought to change my legal name to Mimzy was REALLY strong!  At one point I was in the truck with Devan and I just burst out laughing!  :)  I was so close to actually filing for a legal name change.  At this point, I was getting better at being aware of my thoughts and seeing how the ego would try to take control.  That was really what was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing.  It seemed no matter what I came up with the ego was ALWAYS going to try to maintain control (even if I changed it to 'I Hate Myself')!  :)  The next day or so I brought my thoughts up to Lisa and asked for some help in trying to figure out why I was having these thoughts.  She said something like I needed to really look at my motivation for the desire to change my name.  Also, she added that sometimes the ego when faced with its own undoing will attempt to create another image to avoid this.

So I followed Lisa's suggestion which led me to finally get to the root cause of my motivation: I HATED myself and that is why I attached so many negative thoughts and associations to the name Ben.  It didn't really matter what my name was because I would have had the same feelings about anything that I associated with the 'image' of who I thought I was!  This was quite an eye-opener!  Ever since then I have had ambivalence about being called Ben.  After all, it was the negative attachment that I was creating and projecting outward that was causing the anguish for myself and not the opposite!

Curiously, even though I have come to accept the name Ben as being only neutral, I still have the thoughts about contiuing to use it online and even legally changing it.  I know part of this is because I still have not FULLY accepted my True Identity but I now see that the ego is trying to use 'good' attachment to try to maintain control.  The ego's reasoning is that I have associated Pure Love with Mimzy and the ability to SEE differently with Wonka so it's all good and therefore that is a justified motivation for making the change!  Silly ego, tricks are for kids!  ;)  I am really learning the Course lessons on neutrality and meaning like (2) 'I have given everything I see...all the meaning that is has for me'.  It doesn't just say 'bad' meaning but 'good' meaning too!  Everything is truly neutral until I assign it meaning!  So, Mimzy or Ben (or Sue)?  It doesn't matter what anyone calls me because they are all symbols and I have the power not to assign any meaning at all!  :)  I instead choose to focus on accepting my True Identity and if I start to feel anything but neutrality then I have a great opportunity to continue to learn my lessons and choose again!  :)

Love,
Mimzy, Ben, Benny, (and yes even Sue)!  :)

The Rabbit Hole Goes At Least to Sunny California!

April 21, 2010: My process of Listening to the Guidance of the Holy Spirit is still developing and I learn to Listen and Trust more and more every day.  This Trust is reinforced by the absolutely wonderful experiences that I have had as a result.

Case in point: Yesterday morning I noticed that my mom had sent me a text message before I had woken up.  In the message, she said since I had two weeks before the retreat in KY that I was invited to come stay with her in Seal Beach, CA.  I was not able to respond because my phone is having 'intermittent' problems charging and the battery was almost dead.  So I turned the phone off to prevent data loss (it runs Windows Mobile) and thought I would be able to charge it in the car since I had already packed my wall charger.

This gave me a couple of hours to decide to listen to the ego or the Holy Spirit for Guidance.  The ego chimed in with things like "CA is in the opposite direction of KY, what a waste of gas, time, etc." or "Well, you know that you are having car problems, why risk being further from your destination when it dies?"  It is all so laughable when brought to awareness and seen for the self-defeating behavior that it is!  :)  Yet, when I would stop and really Listen I would hear "Why try to know/decide the future instead of ENJOYING the present?"  This of course resulted in very angry egoic thoughts like "Why shouldn't you plan and prepare, how will you take care of 'yourself'?"  Yeah, like I was really enjoying myself by listening to the ego and worrying about what to decide and where to go?!  :)

I was able to release these egoic thoughts and had much more fun doing what I was doing at the time!  :)  By the time I knew it, I was done with washing clothes, packing, showering, etc. and I was ready to drive away from the monastery.  Then the 'intermittent' problems with charging my phone started again.

I plugged in my car charger and it would sense the charge, then drop it, sense it, drop it, repeat until I finally looked at my thoughts.  I was becoming agitated that I couldn't get the phone charged enough to respond to my mom.  Beneath that was the frustration that I felt as though I needed to make a decision about the future RIGHT NOW and I wasn't able to do so.  The thoughts and the emotions of the ego were so unsettling that I HAD to just stop and remember how this was NOT PEACE NOR HAPPINESS.  I mean I still had 20 minutes just to reach the main road before I could head east or west!  :)

Finally, I heeded the Guidance of the Holy Spirit and decided that I wouldn't make the decision until the time came when I was at the end of the road and had to turn right or left to keep going.  When I reached that point, I made the decision not with the rationale of the ego but with what came Peacefully to me at the time.  The thought was that I should go to CA and have a wonderful time getting there as well as being there.  After all, it is about experiencing CONSTANT Peace and Happiness, not just after reaching a destination or goal!  :)

I had so much FUN driving from UT to CA that it is almost unbelievable.  Sure, there were moments when the ego would bring up thoughts about the constant 'Check Engine' light or the intermittent knocking, but more and more I was able to release them Trusting that the Holy Spirit presents me with exactly what I need to awaken to my True Reality!  :)

Another example stands out in my mind: I stopped in Las Vegas to have some dinner and get gas.  I was really craving In-N-Out burger and was hoping that there would be one without having to drive down the strip and deal with traffic (another example of the ego trying to plan and desire the future).  I just kept seeing McDonald's, Wendy's, etc.  Not that there is anything 'wrong' with these places because after all nothing is 'right' or 'wrong'.  Everything is neutral and the only meaning of anything is that which we give it.  In fact, I had McDonald's for lunch Knowing this fact even though in the past my ego had convinced me that McDonald's was one of the 'worst' places to eat and was not 'healthy'!  :)

Well, I started seeing the casinos on the strip and no In-N-Out burger.  I accepted the fact that I would get off at the next exit and eat at whatever restaurant was available.  Exit 37 came up and on the blue road sign I saw...you guessed it: McDonald's and Wendy's!  :)  I thought well at least I can change it up for dinner and have Wendy's!  :)  Wouldn't you know it but I get to the top of the off-ramp and there is this HUGE sign right on the corner for...wait for it...In-N-Out burger!!!  I laughed so hard at the hilarity of it all!  :)

As if that wasn't enough, I was presented with another opportunity to Trust and Listen (well, every moment is an opportunity to Trust and Listen but I'm still learning).  As I was enjoying my meal outside, a man approached the table I was sitting at.  No one else was eating outside because it was probably too cool and windy but being from MN it felt balmy.  This man appeared as though he had fallen on hard times and he had dirt on his hands and not the cleanest clothes I've ever seen.  In the past, I would have listened to the egoic thoughts like "You're all alone you need to leave to protect yourself" or "I hope he doesn't ask me for money because I don't want to lie and say I don't have it since I really do".

The most beautiful thing happened: As he started to speak, I felt NO fear at all!  At first I couldn't make out what he was saying because he was softspoken almost as if he was ashamed of what he was saying.  He said "No disrespect, but I was wondering if you could spare some change?"  Sure enough, he had just asked me for money.  Instead of saying "Sorry man, I don't have any" I immediately, and without hesitation, gave him all the change in my pocket.  There was this sense of Knowing that he was NO different than me and there is no reason to cherish material things over the most beautiful thing of all: A reflection of the Sonship that reminds me we are all One with God equally with no part of the Sonship being more or less worthy than the other!  :)  Thank you God!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

Time To See How Far the Rabbit Hole Goes

April 20, 2010:  It is just past midnight as I write this and I will be leaving the monastery later in the morning.  My time here has been PRICELESS and I am so happy that I followed the Guidance of the Holy Spirit.  It's funny because the more the ego is undone the more I don't know the image of 'me' that the ego used to project! :)

Things like: 'Did I really used to get so upset about dishes not being spotless after they were cleaned?' or 'Did I really hoard things and hang onto stuff for 15-20 years?'  It's interesting because over the past year I have gone from a house to a townhouse to an apartment to a car and now I am packing all of my material things into a backpack!  The process of becoming aware of attachment and learning to release it has been cathartic as well as chaotic.  It is chaotic to the ego to think about letting go of everything that it used to define 'me' but now that I am aware of the egoic thoughts I can release them to the Holy Spirit and a new perspective takes place.  This is very freeing and feels so amazing!  :)

I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for guiding me here and gently waking me up to my True Self!  :)  I am also very grateful to Lisa, Leila, and Devan for being so open and willing to hold the Truth while I have become aware of my resistance and my process of releasing it!  :)

I know that the ego still tries to maintain control but I feel that I now have the tools to continue to undo it and I always have the Holy Spirit to guide me!  :)  My experiences here as well as leading up to coming here have given me the confidence to continue to Trust the Holy Spirit and I know that my journey will get even better.  I have about two weeks before I make it to Kentucky for my retreat with David and the others.   I am excited about not having to rush or feel as though I must be somewhere right away.  I am also very excited (and sometimes fearful) of not having a concrete plan and the uncertainty that goes with it.  It is with Trust and willingness that I put my faith in the Holy Spirit to guide me Home!  :)

I still feel guided to use this blog and my Facebook page to journal my path even though my time at the monastery has come to a close.   I hope that EVERYONE finds the Peace and Joy that God Wills for us!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

End of Day 12: It Feels Like Several Lifetimes

April 17, 2010:  I don't even know the date any more without looking at the computer.  It feels like it has been years since I wrote my last blog entry (in a good way)!  :)

It seems like so much happens in a day that it would take forever to describe it all.  One thing I know for certain is that there are no coincidences and my coming to the monastery was exactly what I needed when I needed it!  :)

So many drastic changes have happened in the past year that I now realize happened for a reason and not because of chance or chaos.  Even though the ego would like me to believe that I have lost everything, I am convinced that I am on my way to GAINING EVERYTHING through remembrance of God and my True Self.  I am fully willing to Trust the Holy Spirit because I have had so many experiences that turned out better than the ego could ever provide.

Even in my 'happiest' memories there was always some unhappiness.  Is that what God Wills for us?  No, because then God could not be pure Love and Joy.  That means anytime there is not complete happiness it is still the ego trying to maintain control via illusions.  The great thing though is that I am now more aware of the egoic thoughts and I don't have to indulge in them unconsciously.  I can choose not to act on these thoughts and instead have a different choice.  I am learning to become aware of the Holy Spirit speaking to me all of the time and I have much more Peace when acting on this guidance!  :)

This change in perspective means that I can now Hear the Holy Spirit no matter what I am doing.  Music, movies, meals, projects, and everything I do I can now experience in a completely different way.  The ego has not been completely undone but I am now aware that I am not the image that the ego has created.  The ego is not the 'friend' to me that it would have me believe!  I can't even imagine the great things that are in store for me as I continue to Trust and acknowledge that I do not perceive my own best interests.  That's because the concept of 'I' or 'me' is one that the ego developed.  Instead I see that the separate selves that I have perceived are in fact the projections that the ego has tried to use to keep me from seeing that there is only One!  :)

In a couple of days, I will be leaving the monastery and making my way to Kentucky for a retreat with David Hoffmeister and others.  I am excited because this is where I was guided to go and this Guidance has provided everything I have needed.  I hope that everyone awakens to their True Self to experience Pure Love and Happiness because that's what God Wills for everyone!  Thank you God!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

End of Week 1: Every Day Is A Miracle!

April 12, 2010: It's kind of weird to think that I have been here for a week already!  :)  In fact, time has become so foreign to me.  I usually don't know the date, the day, or the time.  The cool thing is that I don't pay attention to this anymore.  I trust that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at exactly the right time.  I don't tell myself that I have to go to bed at a certain time or that I have to get 8 hours of sleep to feel good.  Interestingly, when I do get up and glance at the clock it is always around the same time no matter what time I go to bed!  :)  The best part is that I have less and less egoic thoughts about waking up.  Things like "I have to get up by (insert time here) or they'll think I'm a slacker" or "Am I supposed to be somewhere or doing something at a particular time that I need to get up?"  Now I allow myself to get up when I feel the urge to get up.  I don't feel in as much of a rush to get ready and start doing stuff.  I take my time and just recognize if/when I start to put pressure on myself.  This awareness rather than suppression of thoughts makes all the difference in the world!  :)

The ego cannot be undone by ignoring it.  Only by becoming aware of the ego and examining it's thought structure can it truly be released.  In this release, there is then empty space that with practice can start to be filled with the thoughts of the Mind of God.  The Holy Spirit which is the Voice for God speaks to ALL of us all of the time.  It is usually drowned out by the thoughts of the ego because the Holy Spirit will never attack or force itself upon us but it will always answer when asked.  As said before, the answer may not be one we like when viewed from the perspective of the ego but it is always what is best for everyone.  This process is the main focus that I have been learning during my time here.  The best part is that anything we do can be used for this purpose.  It doesn't have to be just projects but can be done with music and movies which are two interests that I have always enjoyed.

In fact, yesterday (I think) I was moved to get up and listen to some music.  One song that I really enjoyed but hadn't listened to in awhile was 'Where Is the Love?' by The Black Eyed Peas.  As I was listening to this song, I became more aware of the lyrics than I ever had before now.  It is very interesting how a change in perspective can make such a difference.  It's as though the Holy Spirit is speaking to me through everything now.  This is true of conversations as well as music, movies, or anything really.

Some of the words are: "...but if you only have love for your own race/then you only leave space to discriminate/and to discriminate only generates hate/and when you hate then you're bound to get irate...yeah, madness is what you demonstrate/and that's exactly how anger works and operates/man you gotta have Love just to set it straight/take control of your mind and meditate/let your Soul gravitate to the Love y'all"!  Whoa!  I've heard those words before and always felt they were Truthful but now I have such a different perspective.  It is true madness to let the ego run the show!  I now choose to let my Soul gravitate to the Love!  :)

Also, from the chorus: "...Can you practice what you preach?/and won't you turn the other cheek?/Father, Father, Father help us/send some Guidance from above/cause people got me, got me questioning Where is the Love?..."  These words have whole new meaning for me now.  I was too angry to even contemplate the idea of turning the other cheek.  And I never truly practiced what I preached about equality.  Guidance? What was that? Now I cherish the Guidance and have gotten better at Trusting it.

Even more lines: "...not respecting each other/denying thy brother/a war is goin' on but the reason is undercover/the Truth is kept secret/it's swept under the rug/if you never know Truth, then you never know Love/..."!  This is a perfect example of the war going on in our minds.  The ego is battling to remain in control but would keep that a secret from us so that we never can expose it for the madness and denial of the Truth that it is!  :)  Fortunately, the Holy Spirit never left us and will always be there to listen to when we are ready!

And more: "...whatever happened to the values of humanity?/whatever happened to the fairness and equality?/instead of spreading Love we're spreading animosity/lack of understanding leading us away from Unity..." and "...One Love, One Love/we only got/One Love, One Love...".  The is only One Mind and only One Love! :)  The differences are seen by the ego to separate while the Mind of God only knows Oneness which includes One Love!  :)

I tell you that I have never danced or sang like I did while listening to that song over and over!  I didn't care who saw me because I couldn't deny the Truth anymore.  I was walking/dancing down the road and I felt totally Loved and totally safe!  There was no need to put up a defense when enveloped by that kind of Love!  :)  This was just one song!  I saw 'Seven Days in Tibet', 'The Celestine Prophecy', 'Brother Sun, Sister Moon', and 'Revolver' and each movie was exactly what I needed to see to hear the Truth from the Holy Spirit.  In fact, 'Revolver' and 'Brother Sun, Sister Moon' are two of my new favorite movies!  :)  Thank you God!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

Days 3 & 4: Whoa, what FUN!

April 9, 2010:  On the third day Devan went with Lisa into Salt Lake City.  Leila and I stayed at the monastery and used the projects to look at the thoughts in our mind and train ourselves to focus our minds.  There were three projects that I was asked to use for this purpose: 1) research intranet software, 2) create a Living Miracles Monastery sign, and 3) create a new path to the shop.  The first project seemed simple but regardless of the perceived simplicity or difficulty the purpose remains the same.  The idea is to become aware of the thoughts in the mind instead of just running on cruise control without examining the thoughts.

Even with a 'simple' project I was able to be more aware of what I was thinking.  I was thinking egoic thoughts like: "Intranet is such a generic term; what are they looking for?", "Do they already have something in mind and what if I suggest something stupid or too expensive?"  I got on Google and did a search for 'intranet software'.  Of course with such a generic search there were so many results.  For some reason, I was drawn/guided to the second result after the sponsored links.  I checked it out and it seemed to do what I thought they wanted.  I was going to email my suggestion when the ego kicked in again: "Did I just get lazy and pick the first result?", "Wait, there was one above this, why didn't I choose that?", "This looks too expensive, are they going to get mad for suggesting this?"

At least I was able to be aware that I was having these insane thoughts.  At that point it became utterly laughable!  How could I possibly know what's best for everyone involved?  I was drawn to this link for a reason; Why not trust that guidance?  So I sent my email and the response was great.  David was thankful that I started the process and he even went ahead and started a trial version!  All that worrying and mindless chatter for nothing!  :)

This whole scenario kept playing out throughout the day.  It didn't matter if I was using a project to do this practice or something supposedly routine like eating a meal.  In fact, lunch both days played out exactly this way.  On Thursday, I was going to make lunch and automatically just started to make a sandwich.  The ego uses patterns/routines to try to defer attention from the insane thoughts like "Well, I had a sandwich yesterday and it was good so why not today?", or "If I have a sandwich, I'll have some consistency and I'll know how long my food will last."  What!?  Really!?  So I laughed at these insane thoughts and released them to the Holy Spirit.  It was then that I had the idea to have hummus, cheese, crackers, and a carrot.  It was very tasteful and so effortless that I had to laugh again.  :)  The same scenario played out today but in a different form.

Today I did decide to have a sandwich for lunch.  The first 'instinct' was to have chips with it because that's what I always have with my sandwich.  Huh?!  Is that a law that I have to follow?  Why couldn't I have something else.  Why do I always pair the same things together?  Why can't I mix and match?  So I had a good laugh and decided to have hummus and crackers with my sandwich.  As I was making my sandwich, I put the same things on it that I always do: mustard, mayonnaise, chicken, ham, and cheese.  Then it occurred to me to add this blueberry jalapeno preserves that I had.  The ego went nuts!  Thoughts like "Are you crazy?, Are you going to ruin a perfectly good sandwich?, Then what if you have to throw it away and run out of food?", etc.  Once again, I had a good laugh and decided to follow my inspiration rather than the ego.  Wouldn't you know it, that was one of the best sandwiches I've had in a long time!  :)

I could go on forever with so many examples because the ego is on guard 24/7/365 (366 on leap years)!  Things like when to wake up, when to go to bed, when to take a break, when/what to eat, how to do a project, etc.  The list is endless because the ego starts to become undone if it doesn't have control over everything.  I am so thankful to have received the guidance to come here and to have the courage to follow that guidance.  It is a priceless opportunity to be in an environment like this where the focus is not the form or the end result, but rather what the thoughts are in the mind that drive what we say and do.  Also, it is great to be around others that have been on this path for awhile.  It is like getting advice from a elder sibling.  Both of these things were exactly what I asked of the Holy Spirit.  All it takes is a little willingness to ask for guidance and the Holy Spirit will always answer.  Not always in the way the ego would want, but always for a purpose that is the best for everybody!  I never thought I could have so much fun and laugh doing things that seemed mundane from the perspective of the ego.  Thank you God!  :)

You can see pictures of the monastery here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2415&id=100000970851078&l=a4f1e2f729

Love,
Ben

My First Two Days At The Monastery

April 7, 2010: Yesterday was my first day here at the monastery and it was more difficult than I thought it was going to be! :) Not because anyone else made it difficult because after all there is no-one else. I was continuing to see myself as a body with an ego and projecting my feelings of inadequacy. This of course meant that I saw other people as bodies with an ego that were judging me like I was judging myself.

The first project I was asked to help with did not really make me aware of my resistance. I was asked to help move some furniture around and this is something I have done many times before. Although I do not perceive myself as the strongest person there wasn't any furniture that I saw as being an obstacle. The next project though was when stuff started to hit the fan.

I was asked to help Devan weatherproof doors around the monastery. I am comfortable when it comes to working on computers but do-it-yourself handyman type of stuff is not what I would consider my forte. At first, I started to have thoughts like what if I don't do it right? What if I screw it up? I thought that if I just was open to the Holy Spirit guiding me that everything would be peace and calm. Then we had different opinions on how to accomplish the task. I started wondering: If there is only One Mind and therefore One Holy Spirit, then why did we have different ideas? Was I listening to the ego and not the Holy Spirit? This was very disconcerting because I thought I was starting to get the hang of accepting guidance from the Holy Spirit.

Then Devan had to go do another project and that is when I really had a meltdown. Throughout all of the chaos and unhappiness, I just kept thinking that 'it need not be this way'. I created this prison for myself and I could just as easily leave it behind by releasing it to the Holy Spirit. After awhile I was able to experience some peace again and I figured I would bring it up to the others in the morning.

The next thing that caused resistance was the idea of creating this blog and accompanying Facebook page. I had been feeling guided to do this for about a month but still wanted to keep some things private. I kept hearing that to be One there could be no private thoughts. Then the ego chimed in with things like: What about hackers? What about identity theft?, etc. In the end I had to trust the Holy Spirit and accept that there was a purpose that was part of God's Will.

This morning I discussed my feelings with Devan, Lisa, and Leila. They helped me realize that I was still seeing myself as a body and not Spirit. This meant that I was not seeing others as Spirit. This also meant that I was not completely trusting the Holy Spirit and was still trying to keep myself separate. Also, I was not seeing that the Holy Spirit was working through them and by denying this opportunity I was not allowing the Holy Spirit's purpose to be fulfilled. I agreed that I could try Trusting completely and accepting my role as a follower which is the complete opposite of what my ego has created up until now. This is the focus that I tried to keep throughout the day.

Surprise, surprise, I felt much more peace today than yesterday! :) I went with Devan into town to run some errands and this was a great opportunity to see him as Spirit that the Holy Spirit was working through rather than a body. As a result, when he would talk I had less egoic thoughts like "He must be judging me, or He must be criticizing me or telling me that I was wrong". That is not to say that I experienced no resistance throughout the day but it was much less than the day before. Also, it was nice to have someone to talk to and ask advice without feeling like I always needed to defend myself! :) God is Great! Love, Ben

On My Way!

April 6, 2010: On Thursday, April 1st I departed Minneapolis, MN on my way to Utah (no April Fool's joke). I left with all my material possessions packed in my car as I had been evicted from my apartment. The eviction was just another lesson in forgiveness that I needed to experience. Over the past year other lessons I have gone through are unemployment, foreclosure, bankruptcy, divorce (not yet finalized), and attempted suicide. Thankfully I was open to guidance from the Holy Spirit along the way! :) In fact, it is through that guidance that I was inspired to create this blog and accompanying Facebook page detailing my journey.

It is no coincidence that also about a year ago a friend of mine recommended I read 'Disappearance of the Universe' by Gary Renard (www.garyrenard.com). This book as well as Gary's other book 'Your Immortal Reality' changed my perception of life drastically. After reading these books, I finally felt like I had found what I was searching for my whole life! That was both scary and exciting at the same time. It was through Gary's books that I found out about 'A Course In Miracles' (ACIM) published by the Foundation For Inner Peace (www.acim.org).

After embracing the ideas in these books as well as receiving guidance from the Holy Spirit I was led to the Living Miracles Monastery in Fruitland, UT (www.miracles-monastery.org). But before I came here I met my mom in Heber City, UT. This was significant for me because I had not seen her in 8 years and had very little contact with her. This was my choice as a result of holding grievances and not practicing true forgiveness. I knew that I could not awaken to my true reality while still continuing relationships that were not pure Love. I still experience resistance to undoing the ego but every moment is a chance to begin again and think with the Mind of God rather than the ego.

I will be detailing my experiences along the way and I trust that this blog will serve the purpose that the Holy Spirit has given it in fulfilling the Will of God. Love, Ben