Am I Willing to Gamble?

The 'safety' net of this high wire ego circus act is (s)elf punishment.  Talk about an oxymoron, LOL!  I got the opportunity to see where I am attracted to guilt as a distraction from seeing my fear of Love.  Even when I was given the opportunity to let go of guilt and punishment I could see where there was the thought that it was safer to hang on to it than to Trust!  Here's how it unfolded:

Much of yesterday was spent doing a tech project on the computer.  This is not unusual as this character in the story I have been dreaming has been involved with computers for 20 years.  In fact, the ego has used this backdrop of the story to reinforce the separate identity using the ideas of knowledge, independence, and pride.  I could see where I was feeling pressure because I was believing that I was 'personally' responsible for the outcome in form.  This was a way to forget that the form is unreal and that instead the Spirit can use it as a backdrop to letting go and Trusting.  The burden of personal responsibility was reinforced by the thought that this character was the only one capable of completing the task.

Several times throughout the day the pressure was so intense that I just had to stop and pray.  Each time the thought that came through was that there was another way to be.  That thought felt really good but the fear of not 'knowing' the other way was very strong.  Ultimately the other way is ALWAYS complete Trust in the Spirit.  Instead of using those opportunities to take the leap of faith and Trust, I kept choosing to give into the fear.

The underlying thought was that 'I' have experience and knowledge about computers so if 'I' just try hard enough the task will get completed.  This thought of experience and knowledge was the ego's idea of a safety net or fall back plan to keep from stepping though the fear by Trusting and seeing the uselessness of fear.  Eventually it appeared in form as though the task got done but I had become weary and just wanted to go to bed.

Today I got more opportunities to choose to Trust Spirit but this time the form did not 'work' by choosing the ego's dynamics.  I was Given the opportunity to follow the Inspiration around a couple of areas one of which included making a music video.  This is an area where I have a couple hours of experience rather than a couple of decades.  It seemed like nothing 'I' did was working in form.  Leila is fond of saying "no flow, no go" so rather than continue trying to push through, I chose to Join with Spirit through her character.

What I saw was that I was using the form to determine whether I was guilty or not.  The thought was that if I am involved in a task that I should have something in form (i.e. progress or a result) to show for 'my' time.  If I didn't, then I was guilty.  I was told that this was not the case and I was asked if I could accept that this was not True.  I could see that I was still resistant to letting go of this conviction.  The crazy part was that the 'person' I thought would tell me I was guilty for not getting anything done was telling me the exact opposite.  So upon hearing that, who/what was still telling me to continue this belief?

In this case, I didn't have the safety net of experience and knowledge to fall back on.  In fact, the only choice I had was to continue to fall back on the guilt or take a leap of faith.  It's like Indiana Jones when it appears he has to cross a deep chasm with no bridge in sight.  He could have chosen to turn around and deal with the perceived violence and death awaiting him.  Instead he chose to take the step and Trust that he would be supported.

It was the same for me in that instant.  I could go back to the old way of just tolerating the upset, irritation, fear, and guilt or I could step through and Trust.  The ego was telling me that it would be akin to stepping off the cliff and falling to my death and so the crappy way of feeling was a better option.  It's like saying I'm choosing, or attracted to, the (s)elf punishment of guilt because it's better than the punishment God has waiting for me!  What if I'm wrong about that?

That's the question the ego does not want asked or answered because the answer is the undoing of the (s)elf concept or the disappearance of the Universe.  Another way of looking at it is, I've got a measly amount of money and I'm given the chance to gamble with it.  I would rather choose not to gamble due to the fear that 'I' will lose what little I have.  In doing so, I'm saying it is impossible that I could 'win' and gain EVERYTHING in return!  Today I chose to take the gamble and I am Trusting that just like with Indiana Jones that the Spirit will come up underneath and support me so that I can have Peace of Mind!  :)  My prayer is:

Help me to have the strength and courage to choose in all moments to Trust that the other way is possible and True!  :)

Amen!  Love, Mimzy ♥