Change? But I Was Happy!

Change is a pillar of the foundation of fear. If there is one characteristic about this world of illusion, it is that nothing is eternal. It's funny because this is actually well disguised by the deceptive thoughts of the ego. I have fallen into the trap many times of thinking that happiness/joy comes from getting to know/learn something about the world of form. In fact, in a recent post the thought was expressed that knowing the rules of the world could provide some safety because then guilt could be avoided by not breaking the rules!

Where does safety really come from? What is the source of Joy/Happiness? How can Trust rest on anything that is not constant and instead changes? These questions when asked earnestly can point to the veil of the illusion of separation! If I really were a separate body living in a world built on change, then fear would indeed be natural. Safety would need to come from protecting my (s)elf from others. But what if this were not True?

What if 'I' never left my source of eternal unchanging Love? Then there would be no 'I' that could provide or even need safety! There would be no justification or need of fear! 'Life' could be an experience of the beautiful lyric in "Across the Universe" by The Beatles: Nothing's gonna change my world! It has been beautiful to experience this lately with increasing frequency of present moments.

One of the many examples of this has been with the backdrop of art. This particular form has been a breeding ground for the justification of fear and guilt by the deceptive thoughts of the ego. It has been very liberating to question the thoughts and see them as false. Now that the decision and Willingness to question has been made, the deceptive thoughts of separation require a change in form to attempt to induce further fear and guilt.

This was very clear the other day as I was very excited to take some time and play with drawings. I was having a great time singing along to The Beatles and letting the pencil move across the paper. It was so cool to just be without giving in to the thoughts that anything should be different or that anything was wrong! I was just finishing cutting out the drawings when Leila walked in with a set of 50 oil pastel sticks.

All I had been using to that point was a single violet colored pencil. The first reaction to seeing all the colors was great excitement, but as soon as the form seemed to change it was an open door by the ego to be fearful again. The intensity of the excitement was matched by the intensity of the fear. The same initial thoughts that had been believed about art to feel guilt had now come back to the mind.

Thoughts like: "There's no way I'll know what to do with all those colors.", "At least I had an excuse for the crude drawings when there was only one color.", "Now (I'm) going to have to come up with something more than simple shapes.", etc. Fortunately the joyful experiences of choosing differently meant that the same could be done in this instant without having to indulge the fearful thoughts. Instead it has been very Inspiring to let images come into the mind! Nothing has yet been put on paper with the colors but here are two more drawings done in violet. :) Love, Mimzy ♥

I Didn't Think This Was Possible!

EVERYTHING in form can be used by Spirit as a backdrop to heal the mind!  That means all activities of the body, material items, and things of the world can be used to see the thoughts of a separate (s)elf concept.  In doing so, any fear or manifestation of fear (anger, sadness, etc.) can be used as an indicator to see that there is still a belief in guilt.   In this healing opportunity, art was the backdrop Given for this Purpose.

This was not the first time that art was provided as the backdrop, but in the previous opportunities the attraction to guilt was so strong that the intensity of the fear made it difficult to allow the body to be used as a communication device.  I can now Trust that even though I ran away from the art before that everything was as it should be.  All those opportunities were just stepping stones to releasing from the idea that I am guilty.  This time the attraction to guilt had been loosened enough that I could stay with it.

For a couple of weeks now there has been this image that keeps recurring in the mind.  It was always purple and seemed to involve shapes that looked like flower petals and elongated stars.  Then one day I found a lone colored pencil and it was of course violet.  Even though the means had been provided it still took some time to Trust that I could use this backdrop without completely falling apart and giving into the guilt.

Well today was the day that there was enough courage to take the leap of faith.  I laid down with the paper, pencil, eraser, and sharpener and could feel the contraction from fear.  I was even noticing the shortness of breath and shaking of the hands.  Some of the thoughts were: "This is going to look worse than a baby scribbling.", "Go watch a movie instead.", "Someone is going to come in and tell me I'm doing something wrong."  In fact, I even noticed I would get startled when I heard a noise outside my room because I believed that someone could and would come tell me how wrong (i.e. guilty) I was.

I stayed with it though and kept choosing the thought in the Mind that I was not guilty and that I was worthy of being Happy.  The more I practiced choosing this thought the more relaxed I got.  I even started letting go and giving myself permission to sing along with the music that was playing.  After awhile, I noticed that I was actually enJoying moving the pencil on the paper.  In fact, when there were no more thoughts or images of things to draw I actually found that I wanted to keep going.

I could see the egoic thoughts come in to try to use this backdrop to reinforce the pattern of control.  The thought was to just add something here, add something there, change something, etc.  That was not the Given Purpose of this opportunity.  It was not to get anything done or to have something look a certain way.  It was all just to see the choice for the thoughts that lead to Happiness or for the thoughts that lead to anything else.

Even when the choice was made to lay the pencil down the deceptive thoughts of guilt did not stop: "It's not symmetrical.", "The shapes aren't uniform.", etc.  It doesn't matter because just like the character in the movie 'A Beautiful Mind' the choice is always about Purpose.  In the movie, Russell Crowe's character still sees the unreal characters but he chooses not to indulge them.  The deceptive thoughts were still there but I chose not to believe them!  :)  Love, Mimzy ♥

Am I Willing to Gamble?

The 'safety' net of this high wire ego circus act is (s)elf punishment.  Talk about an oxymoron, LOL!  I got the opportunity to see where I am attracted to guilt as a distraction from seeing my fear of Love.  Even when I was given the opportunity to let go of guilt and punishment I could see where there was the thought that it was safer to hang on to it than to Trust!  Here's how it unfolded:

Much of yesterday was spent doing a tech project on the computer.  This is not unusual as this character in the story I have been dreaming has been involved with computers for 20 years.  In fact, the ego has used this backdrop of the story to reinforce the separate identity using the ideas of knowledge, independence, and pride.  I could see where I was feeling pressure because I was believing that I was 'personally' responsible for the outcome in form.  This was a way to forget that the form is unreal and that instead the Spirit can use it as a backdrop to letting go and Trusting.  The burden of personal responsibility was reinforced by the thought that this character was the only one capable of completing the task.

Several times throughout the day the pressure was so intense that I just had to stop and pray.  Each time the thought that came through was that there was another way to be.  That thought felt really good but the fear of not 'knowing' the other way was very strong.  Ultimately the other way is ALWAYS complete Trust in the Spirit.  Instead of using those opportunities to take the leap of faith and Trust, I kept choosing to give into the fear.

The underlying thought was that 'I' have experience and knowledge about computers so if 'I' just try hard enough the task will get completed.  This thought of experience and knowledge was the ego's idea of a safety net or fall back plan to keep from stepping though the fear by Trusting and seeing the uselessness of fear.  Eventually it appeared in form as though the task got done but I had become weary and just wanted to go to bed.

Today I got more opportunities to choose to Trust Spirit but this time the form did not 'work' by choosing the ego's dynamics.  I was Given the opportunity to follow the Inspiration around a couple of areas one of which included making a music video.  This is an area where I have a couple hours of experience rather than a couple of decades.  It seemed like nothing 'I' did was working in form.  Leila is fond of saying "no flow, no go" so rather than continue trying to push through, I chose to Join with Spirit through her character.

What I saw was that I was using the form to determine whether I was guilty or not.  The thought was that if I am involved in a task that I should have something in form (i.e. progress or a result) to show for 'my' time.  If I didn't, then I was guilty.  I was told that this was not the case and I was asked if I could accept that this was not True.  I could see that I was still resistant to letting go of this conviction.  The crazy part was that the 'person' I thought would tell me I was guilty for not getting anything done was telling me the exact opposite.  So upon hearing that, who/what was still telling me to continue this belief?

In this case, I didn't have the safety net of experience and knowledge to fall back on.  In fact, the only choice I had was to continue to fall back on the guilt or take a leap of faith.  It's like Indiana Jones when it appears he has to cross a deep chasm with no bridge in sight.  He could have chosen to turn around and deal with the perceived violence and death awaiting him.  Instead he chose to take the step and Trust that he would be supported.

It was the same for me in that instant.  I could go back to the old way of just tolerating the upset, irritation, fear, and guilt or I could step through and Trust.  The ego was telling me that it would be akin to stepping off the cliff and falling to my death and so the crappy way of feeling was a better option.  It's like saying I'm choosing, or attracted to, the (s)elf punishment of guilt because it's better than the punishment God has waiting for me!  What if I'm wrong about that?

That's the question the ego does not want asked or answered because the answer is the undoing of the (s)elf concept or the disappearance of the Universe.  Another way of looking at it is, I've got a measly amount of money and I'm given the chance to gamble with it.  I would rather choose not to gamble due to the fear that 'I' will lose what little I have.  In doing so, I'm saying it is impossible that I could 'win' and gain EVERYTHING in return!  Today I chose to take the gamble and I am Trusting that just like with Indiana Jones that the Spirit will come up underneath and support me so that I can have Peace of Mind!  :)  My prayer is:

Help me to have the strength and courage to choose in all moments to Trust that the other way is possible and True!  :)

Amen!  Love, Mimzy ♥

As It Is Outside, So It Is Inside

Am I like oil to water or bubble gum to hair? Right now I feel like the former but with help from Spirit and Mighty Companions I Trust I can feel like the latter! :) The point is that right now not only do I not 'know' how to Join but I am actually fearful of it. This fear is actually a defense of the ego to keep from relying on Spirit to remember how to Join. After all, the whole foundation of the ego's thought system is the belief that the separation from God is a reality. Therefore Joining is the most direct path to opening to the idea that the separation never really happened.

The main thing I try to keep in awareness is that the Joining in Truth is only with Spirit/God. I have found it very easy to think that the joining is with other people (i.e. bodies). This is very important to the ego because if I believe that I am trying to join with other bodies then I must believe that 'I' am a body. This cascades into falling into the trap of projecting my inner beliefs outward to bodies and perceiving the source as coming from 'others'. When that happens then it is very easy to let the roles and concepts of the ego obscure the source of the 'gap'.

For example, when I perceive one 'body' as a stranger and another 'body' as my wife then according to the ego there are different ways of treating those bodies. More importantly the deceptive thoughts are that I should interpret how those bodies speak to me, act towards me, and think of me with different meaning or value. After all I should value those things coming from my wife much more than from a stranger, right?

This is an attempt of the ego to guarantee that I will not perceive equality of those outside of myself. If I don't perceive equality outside, then I can never perceive equality inside. It follows that if I think one person outside is better or worse than another outside, then it must be true that I am better or worse than anyone 'else'. The ones outside that I value the most (like my wife) are the ones that will reflect my inner beliefs with the most intensity. When I give in to the thoughts that I should hate my(s)elf for what I've done to God, then I will see that hatred reflected back in varying degrees depending on the value I have assigned to the one mirroring back to me.

If I can remember that any upset (such as hate) that I perceive coming 'from' others is really coming from inside, then I can ask for help from Spirit. The help is to correct the perception that I have of my(s)elf. If I can Trust it is True that God does not feel that way about 'me', then I can lay down my sword and let the perceived gap between God and 'I' be washed away. When that happens, I Trust that the perceived gap between 'me' and 'others' will be washed away. I think then I can give the perception over to the Spirit and 'see' complete equality that everyOne (including 'me') deserves nothing but Love! My prayer is:

Please help me to see that my perception comes from inner beliefs.

Please help me to remember that there is another way of 'seeing'.

Please help me to lay down my sword so that I may extend only Love.

Amen! Love, Mimzy ♥

What Are the Rules?

Am I a cat in new surroundings or a pinball in a new machine? Well neither in Truth but that is the analogy for how the mind feels! :) The month long silent retreat recently finished up and the form once again has changed. The backdrop appears to be the Light House with Leila and Karen. This change is a perfect excuse for the circle of fear that is the ego to come to the surface.

It's like there are times where I can be in the flow and roll along like a pinball. Then the ego flippers knock me back into the bumpers of attachment and guilt (i.e. thinking this world is real). Just when I get used to the layout of the machine and think I 'know' where the bumpers are, I get dropped into a new machine. The tendency is to want to 'know' the rules of the new machine and get used to the layout so I can avoid the bumpers. The symbolism is that by 'knowing' something I can avoid the guilt!

I think that if I know what I can and cannot do then I can change my behavior to play within the rules and never be at fault/guilty. This is the classic reversal of cause and effect that is the foundation for the ego's game. It's saying just look at the world of form as the cause of how I should feel or think (the effect). This is a game that cannot be won because the form will ALWAYS change and is beyond 'my' control. The idea of 'knowing' anything about the world is just as much an illusion as being in control of the world. It's a necessary delusion for the ego because the opposite to knowing anything of the world is Trust! This is the only answer and is also the undoing of the world and the ego.

For example, I find that when I wake up in the morning the first thought of the ego is what am I going to do today? I never really know what I'm going to be doing on any given day. Even if I think I have a general idea I never know the specifics. If I think I'm working on the computer, I still don't know exactly what I'm doing. Even if I think I'm working on a website, I still don't know exactly what to do. It is a constant game of putting the thoughts out into the future. I can never really know anything for sure because I have no control of the form so there is a very good chance that I could be wrong/guilty about everything! If I could Trust that I am always in the Perfect place and am Given everything that is needed, then there would be no need to figure anything out and there could be no chance of being wrong/guilty! My prayer is:

Help me to remember to Trust in every present moment that there is always Perfect support!

Help me to remember that I can be a passerby!

Help me to remember that I am One with You and therefore "I'm" not even the thinker of the thoughts!

Amen! Love, Mimzy ♥

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been!

November 20, 2010:  It's been six months since my last blog entry and yet it feels like six lifetimes!  :)  The last entry was in May after I left the monastery for the first time and after my first retreat with David Hoffmeister and the Messengers of Peace.  Since then I have been to seven retreats and have been at the monastery for two more extended stays.  In fact, I am writing this from the monastery in Utah where I have been living for almost two months now.  Fall is turning into winter and the number of projects to prepare for the upcoming weather is slowly dwindling.  As a result, I have more time to go inward and reflect on the Miraculous blessings I have been given.  I am feeling Guided to share the details of some of those Miracles and extend the Love that I feel!  :)

To pick up where I left off, I was leaving northern Kentucky after a beautiful 10 day stay with Susan to go visit Lauren in Georgia before the upcoming week long retreat at the end of May going into June.  At the time I was still driving my 1999 Ford Crown Victoria that had major engine problems that started before I even left Minnesota in April.  In addition to getting to see the place where Lauren and Devan were going to have a retreat center, I was going so that I could leave my car behind and drive Lauren's vehicle to Utah.  In hindsight, I can see that this decision was based more on fear than on Guidance from the Holy Spirit, D'oh!  :)  This is quite surprising considering I thought I had gotten past my fear surrounding my vehicle!  :)

I had accepted the fact that I would leave MN later than had I planned due to the unforeseen engine problems.  I had also let go of my worries about the money that I had spent to keep it running just so that I could get to the monastery in the first place.  In fact, by the time I went to leave KY I had even put several thousand miles on that vehicle and gotten used to the 'Check Engine' light staying on constantly.  So to make a snap decision on where to go next based on the fear of the Crown Vic failing was not something I would become aware of until the following events unfolded.

It was just less than a week before the big retreat was to start that I received a text message from Devan.  In it, he asked me what I thought about going to GA to stay with Lauren for a few days.  Then I could leave my Ford there and drive her Explorer to Utah since she was flying out to the retreat.  It sounded like a win-win scenario because I could save the miles on my car and then drive back from UT with Devan.  In addition, her vehicle had a hitch attached so that we could tow a trailer back as well.  This would be helpful for Devan because he was getting married to Lauren at the retreat and was now going to be living in GA and would be able to bring all his belongings.  Instead of taking the time to pray for Guidance as I was getting used to doing, I fell for the double whammy ego trap of people pleasing and being driven by fear!

Before I knew it, I would be on my way to Lauren's place for a brief stay until I would head out to UT.  I would not become aware of the snowball effect of that fearful decision right away.  I was feeling great and even got to attend a Course study group in Lauren's area, but slowly I would start to feel unsettled.  I wasn't aware of exactly what was causing this feeling.  In fact, most of the time I felt centered and watched as Lauren would process her thoughts about the upcoming wedding.  Over the next few days, though, this unsettled feeling would grow until I just felt that I had to do something different.  This uneasiness would grow every time we would discuss the logistics of my leaving.  The details of when to leave, where to leave my car, and other details had not been worked out in advance.  Lauren was living part of the week in one area and going to school and living with her parents in another area the rest of the week.  Instead of speaking up right away and voicing my feelings of loss of Peace, I did not look at it and buried it until it grew into anger.

The day before I was supposed to leave came and I felt like I was ready to blow!  Lauren had been talking about leaving early that day to go to her parents and I had thoughts swirling in my head making me go crazy.  Thoughts like: "I'm going to be stuck in this house with no movies or TV and no place to go in this blue/dry county!" or "I still am not clear on what I'm doing with my car and how to deal with the tabs that will expire while I'm gone!"  I can see now that these thoughts were really just distractions of the ego to cover over the fact that I had made a decision based on fear and people pleasing.  Finally, I had to say something and told Lauren that I was going to leave that day in my vehicle.  She asked me to stay so we could call Devan and the three of us could join.  I decided to do this but by this time the anger that had been building was so intense that the conversation did not go smoothly.  I felt as though I was being attacked and asked to do something I didn't want to do as well as feeling guilty for breaking my commitment to Devan and Lauren.  Even after spending some time 'trying to hear Guidance', I decided that I needed to go and would deal with the results.

I looked at the map and felt that I should cross the MN state line and stop in the southern city of Albert Lea to take care of the issue of the expiring tabs.  This would mean spending more time and money as opposed to a direct route to Utah but it would give me some Peace of Mind.  It would not give me total Peace of Mind as the ego would still bring up the guilt of breaking my word to drive the Explorer and help Devan and Lauren.  I got a couple hours away from MN and all of a sudden a thought came that would give me some temporary Peace and Happiness: No matter what choice I make I am ALWAYS where I'm supposed to be!  This is central to the idea that we 'cannot screw it up'!  It also explains the GPS analogy that I heard discussed at the retreat: The idea that even if the Guidance is to turn right and I choose to turn left that the Holy Spirit doesn't leave because I am a 'failure' but it just recalculates the route from where I am.  It may end up being a detour and not the most direct route but I cannot be guilty and unworthy or that would make this world/illusion real and my identity as a Child of God would be false!  :)

I would get into Albert Lea feeling great and have no problems getting my tabs renewed.  The humorous thing about that is rather than just getting new tabs which could have been easily mailed to me I also got new plates!  It was as if the Holy Spirit was changing the form so that I could let go of some of my guilt.  The other thing that is quite amazing is that I sent a postcard that afternoon after the time of the last listed mail pickup.  I thought for sure that this meant it would take two days to find its destination but instead it arrived the next day! :)  I would make my way to Utah in great time only to experience that I still had not fully looked at the motivations of my earlier decision.

As I was driving past a used car shop in Heber about an hour from the monastery, my attention was strongly attracted to a particular vehicle on the lot.  I had driven past many used cars over thousands of miles in this Crown Victoria that lasted longer than rational/logical thinking could explain.  For some reason, though, this vehicle caught my attention while all the others did not.  I had arrived a day earlier than I thought I would so I decided to stop and take a look.   It turned out to be a 1995 Toyota 4Runner.  The interesting thing is that for about four years in the mid '90s that was the vehicle that I REALLY wanted!  Now 15 years later here I am looking at the prospect of buying one!  :)  In addition to being a '95, it also had a manual transmission with an asking price of $2800.  Right away the ego had a field day with this with thoughts like: "You can't spend that much money without a job especially on a 15 year old vehicle!" or "You've never driven a car with a manual transmission in your life!"  I decided to drive on and take some time to pray for Guidance.  I had thoughts like "Well, I've ridden a motorcycle before so I'm used to shifting and besides sometimes an automatic doesn't shift when I want it to anyway!"  :)  I heard that I should go back the next day and offer to trade my Ford and pay $2000 to drive off the lot with the 4Runner.  I Trusted this was Guidance and didn't think about it the rest of the day.

I arrived at the monastery later that afternoon and right away I was helping with a project involving a small cabin that was being delivered.  At one point Lisa came up to me to say hello and talk about my plans.  She asked if I was willing to volunteer for the retreat rather than just be a participant.  This was only my second retreat but I was definitely Willing!  She said that as a volunteer and considering a donation I had made in April that I would be able to attend without paying the $750 fee!  :)  I was ecstatic since that was going to be a large amount considering the money I had remaining and the prospect of paying for the 4Runner!  :)  She also asked what I was going to do after the retreat was over.  I told her that originally I was going to drive Lauren's car to UT and go back to GA with Devan when the retreat was over.  Since I chose to drive my own car and since it didn't have a hitch for a trailer I told her that I wasn't sure what I was going to do and that I was wondering if I could stay at the monastery.  She said that she would need to join with the Messengers and get back to me about that.  I was getting used to not knowing until the last minute where I would go so I was definitely fine with that.

The next morning I left the monastery to go pickup Devan and Lauren from Devan's parents' house in Orem.  I would have to drive past Heber where the 4Runner was both in picking them up and driving back to the monastery.  When I got to Orem, I let them know that I wanted to stop in Heber on the way back and filled them in about the vehicle.  I told them about how I had always wanted a vehicle like this and how it kept pulling my attention and the Guidance how it would work out.  We pulled into the lot and I took it for a test drive.  At first, it took a little getting used to the sensitivity of the clutch but I had not problem with the mechanics of how to shift and drive from my motorcycle experience.  I got back to the dealer and made the offer to trade based on the Guidance I heard.

At first, he didn't seem too receptive and I was willing to let it go and Trust that when I was ready to get a new vehicle that it would be given.  After a brief moment, though, he agreed to the terms completely!  The ego went nuts with thoughts like: "You haven't even run a CarFax report or done any due diligence!" or "He agreed way too quickly and you're getting screwed!"  I couldn't help but laugh because I did my 'due diligence' when I bought the Crown Victoria only to have serious problems months later!  :)  Besides, I was Trusting that what I heard was Guidance so I didn't give any more thought to the idea that I could have gotten it cheaper.  The only thing was that he said the freon in the AC needed to be recharged as well as another detail so he asked if I was willing to come back to complete the deal.  I told him that was no problem as I was going to be around for a week and I would come back next Friday.  To make things more interesting the 4Runner had a hitch that could tow a trailer and he had a GREAT deal on a slightly used trailer!  It was starting to look like maybe 'things would work out' and I could somehow keep my commitment that I felt I broke to help get Devan's things back to GA.  At this point, though, I was still unsure of what would happen at the end of the week and Trusted that everything would work out.

The week would have its highs and lows but everything would happen for a reason.  As a volunteer, I was asked to help out with things like cleaning, organizing, and being attentive to a particular area.  In this case, my area of responsibility was to be attentive to the fire in the chapel.  This was all coordinated by Sue who had been given the role of volunteer coordinator.  Every morning she would meet with Lisa to feel out the Guidance for the days tasks.  It was decided at the beginning of the retreat that a fire should be kept burning in the chapel all night as it was getting cool overnight and then the people camping would be able to come warm up.  At first, the ego would use this to keep me in a constant state of guilt with worries about not getting up in time to put another log on the fire.  It was beautiful though because I felt the Guidance of when to get up and it was always perfect timing.  The second night though something would happen that would really be a chance for the ego to attack.  I had used matches to light the fire and in my inattentiveness had left the box on top of the wood burning fireplace/stove.  The heat emanating from the top of the stove would set the box ablaze.  Fortunately it would just burn itself out without spreading but not before the intense smell of Sulfur would wake Ken up who was sleeping above the chapel.  I found out about this the next day and upon hearing this I had INTENSE guilt arise with thoughts like: "I could have burned down the whole chapel!" or "I could have killed Ken!"  The guilt was so intense that I even had the thought that I should just leave now before they have a chance to kick me out!  Fortunately, this is a place of true Forgiveness and there were no such thoughts!  :)  This was not the only upset of Peace surrounding the responsibility of the fire.

Over the next day or two the weather had warmed up significantly to the point that one morning I went in and someone had opened the windows saying that it was too warm in the chapel.  The ego jumped in with the idea that because of that sentiment as well as the warmer weather that the logical thing to do was to not keep a fire going all night.  The next morning, Sue asked me why the fire wasn't going last night.  I told her about the comment about it being too warm and that I felt it was warm enough for this.  She said that this was not the Guidance and that it's about Trusting her that she is listening to Guidance and not saying things as a separate person just to control me.  I did not fully Trust that she was hearing Guidance and questioned whether she had joined with Lisa on the matter because the Guidance originally came when it was colder.  This, though, was not what I was being asked to do.  I was being asked to be attentive and follow Guidance.  This resulted in the ego chiming in with thoughts like "Well, if I'm supposed to blindly follow 'commands' that I might as well join the Army" or "This is just another form of chain of command with David at the top!"  It wasn't until I joined with Kirsten that I was able to see differently.  As for the chain of command thought, she shared how it doesn't work that way.  When they went shopping for groceries for the retreat, it was Lisa's area of responsibility.  David went along and was actually a runner getting things on the list.  When he came back with something that wasn't on the list, Lisa pointed this out and that it was an add-on and he put it back.  This was very fascinating to hear because that blows the whole idea that there is a commander and commands are issued from the top down.  It is really about following Guidance and Trusting that the Holy Spirit knows what's best for EVERYONE.  It made it a lot easier to Trust and follow instead of trying to rationalize and do what 'I' thought was best!  :)  It was a very healing moment and I felt very Peaceful and Happy!  :)  This was not the only time I would feel this way.

Near the end of the week Lisa told me that the Messengers had joined and that I could stay at the monastery after the retreat and help with projects.  There was a big project to be completed that involved staining every building on the property.  I was very happy and Willing to be able to stay and help out and continue with the Mind training!  :)  I felt great and would enjoy the rest of the retreat including an 'Angel Bath' which I had never experienced.  This is where everyone stands in two lines facing each other and one person at the end walks between them while people extend Love by touching and speaking whatever is Guided!  It was intense and even uncomfortable at first but by the end I was Loving it!  :)  By the time the retreat was over, I was ready to go get my new vehicle and come back for more!  :)

This is where I started to see the snowball effect of my choice almost two weeks ago and the idea of being in integrity.  At the end of the retreat, Lauren would take the shuttle(van) to the airport to fly back to GA.  I drove Devan back to his parents' house stopping to trade in my vehicle first.  I got to the dealer and he had not completed the tasks that he had said would be done by that time.  He said it wouldn't be done until Monday.  I didn't know what to do as I was expecting to drop Devan off and go back to the monastery.  Devan invited me to come stay the weekend and pick my car up Monday.  We made it to Orem and I tried calling the monastery four times to join and get some Guidance.  I was not able to get talk to anyone there and left a message to call back.  I decided to at least spend the night and try again in the morning.  That night Devan and I discussed possibilities for what would happen.  Ultimately, we decided that I would spend the weekend, pick my car up Monday, and then we could drive back to GA with a trailer attached.  I figured this way I could fulfill my original commitment and they wouldn't miss me at the monastery anyway.  By the next morning, though, I felt this strong urge that I needed to go back to the monastery right away.

When I got back to the monastery I saw Jenny and Chris as I pulled up.  I told Jenny about what happened with the vehicle and that I felt to come back and help with the staining for a few days before picking up the 4Runner and heading to GA.  This is when it all started to become clear about the motivations of people pleasing and fear and the idea of being in integrity.  She said that I had committed to the staining project and that it wouldn't even begin until Monday.  She talked about needing to follow through with commitments for Peace of Mind that results from being in integrity.  She asked me why I didn't discuss this with anyone before making this decision.  I mentioned that I tried to join and couldn't reach anyone and that I left a message.  I felt so confused and even broke down crying because I felt like I tried to stay in contact when the form seemed to change and that not being able to do that I had to tune into Guidance and do what I thought I was prompted to do.  She said that we should call Devan and all join together to talk it out.

The conversation did not go well as it seemed that I was stuck in the middle of two people saying that I had committed to conflicting plans.  Devan mentioned how originally I was going to go back to GA with him with Jenny asking why I committed to be at the monastery.  I recounted how things played out and how I felt things seemed to change every few days and that is why I felt I ended up in this situation.  It was then that Jason joined us and quickly became aware of the situation even though he was not aware of all the details.  It was then that I could see by not praying for Guidance when I made the choice to leave KY and go to GA that everything was off since then.  I had made a decision out of fear and now I was trying to come up with a solution to please everyone and not let anyone down or break any commitments.  As I tried to do this while we were on the phone, Jason said that I needed to take some time alone to pray to get VERY clear on what should happen.  The expression he used was "so what, now what?"  Stop dwelling on the past and trying to figure out how to 'fix' things and listen for Guidance in the present moment on how to proceed.

After spending time in my tent, the Guidance came very clearly that I should stay at the monastery for the next two weeks and then through the next weekend retreat.  This clarity provided me with a sense of Peace and even courage to say what I needed to say.  The ego wanted me to feel guilty for letting Devan down for not providing a vehicle to get the trailer back to GA.  In addition, my friend Michelle had bought me a ticket to go see Dave Matthews Band in Cincinnati and even though I told her when I bought it that I didn't know where I would be, the ego wanted me to feel guilty for this as well.  I was able to talk to Devan and he was very understanding and forgiving.  He asked me about the concept of integrity and I explained my perception after speaking with Jason about how integrity is when everything is fully aligned.  When I take the time to ask for Guidance from the Holy Spirit, the part of the Mind that knows what's best for everyone, that I Trust and follow with Peace of Mind.  By making snap decisions without clear Guidance I was only falling for the ego's trap to be in a situation that is lose-lose, not win-win!  This felt very good to express and I was confident that everything would work out for the best for everyone!  :)

Love,
Mimzy

Part 2 of My Journey to Kentucky

May 18, 2010:  So I had just had a Miraculous experience with the Oklahoma State Trooper and I was on my way continuing my 'hermitage' to Kentucky.  It is almost unbelievable that I could be having so much fun just driving by 'myself'!  :)  In the past, I was so focused on getting to the destination that getting there felt like such a chore and something I wished I could skip by just saying 'Beam me up (or there), Scotty!'  :)  Now I cherish the present moment and the Miracles I have been blessed to experience!  :)

The next Miracle came in the form of a diversion just outside of El Reno, OK.  During my trip I had seen many billboards for tourist stops to purchase Native American jewelry, crafts, etc.  I had just spent the last few months letting go of my attachment to material things until I was left with what fit in two backpacks in my car.  As a result, I didn't have much interest in succumbing to the egoic desire to buy more stuff!  :)  Yet, as I was just outside of El Reno I was drawn to the billboard for the Cherokee Trading Post.  There were several billboards for this location but the one that caught my attention was for authentic Native American flutes.

I had the urge to buy a flute like this several times in the past couple of years.  In hindsight, I realize that those urges were more about trying to buy stuff to fill the void that I have as a result of thinking that I have lost God's Love.  This experience was quite different and, in fact, the ego tried to talk me out of stopping as soon as I was Guided to stop.  Egoic thoughts occurred like "Another needless stop? You're losing time!" or "You just got rid of almost everything and now you want to start accumulating again?"  Once again, the ego tried to use it's own undoing to it's advantage!  After all, the ego was responsible for the massive accumulation in the first place and now it wanted to act like it was against having material things!  Not to be misled, I decided that I was feeling Guided to stop for a reason even if I didn't end up purchasing a flute.

It turned out that this would be one of the most pleasant buying experiences ever!  :)  I walked into the Cherokee Trading Post and was Guided right to the display of beautiful flutes.  There was no one behind the counter so I had time to be aware of the ego still trying to persuade me to leave without a flute.  Thoughts like "Well, no one came to help so it must not be meant for you to get a flute!" or even better "Well, look at how wrong you were...you must not really know True Guidance!"  :)  Once again, rather than give in to the ego I decided that I would look at the rest of the store and take my time instead of pressuring myself to get 'back on the road' right away!  :)

I took my time looking at all of the beautiful items being sold and made my way back to the display of flutes.  It was then that I realized I was being drawn to a particular flute.  This was not the most ornate flute on display and, consequently, was not the most expensive flute.  This was another moment where the ego tried to assert control.  In the past, whenever I bought something or started a new hobby I would always go for 'the best', i.e. the most expensive.  I see now that by doing this it was just an attempt by the ego to fill the perceived void of Love by thinking that 'the best' material possession was a suitable substitute.  As I was having these thoughts and accepting that I did not need the most expensive flute, I was greeted by a gentleman behind the counter.

Paul asked me if I had ever played the flute and I replied 'no'.  He asked if I would like to and I emphatically said 'yes'.  He said that he could have me playing the flute in two minutes and was very calm and confident in this statement.  In actuality, it was probably closer to five minutes but I'll let him and the Holy Spirit slide on that one!  ;)  After all, Forgiveness is the key to Salvation, right?  :)  The first thing Paul did was ask me to close my eyes and listen to him play two different flutes.  I liked the first one better than the second and he informed me that it was tuned to the key of 'G'.

I loved that he was using such an intuitive process rather than a logical/rational (i.e. egoic) way to select the appropriate flute.  Next he asked if I felt as though I would like a 5-hole or 6-hole flute and I felt Guided towards six holes.  He then went through the process of actually showing me how to hold the flute as well as how to breathe/exhale rather than blow!  I loved that I was going to get the opportunity to be even more aware of my breathing and resistance while learning to play such a beautiful sounding instrument!  After all, most of my life I have spent holding my breath instead of breathing deeply and easily!  :)  Also, any time he asked me to try the next technique he asked me to close my eyes which was very comforting.  Once again, this was a great way to disengage the ego by not relying on the false perception of sight using the physical eyes!  :)

Once Paul had shown me all of the basic techniques, he showed me the flutes he had available in the key of 'G'.  As it turns out, he only had two flutes in that key and one of them was the one I had been drawn to the whole time!  The other one was the most expensive flute he had for sale and I didn't feel the need to ignore the Guidance I had received by going for 'the best'! :)  Paul then pulled out four of the same flute and held up each one rotating them so that I could see them in their entirety.  He asked which one I felt drawn to and it turned out to be the one on the wall that I had been looking at the whole time!  I had such a wonderful experience just listening to the Guidance and not allowing the ego to control the experience!  :)  I thanked Paul for everything and after a leisurely meal at the restaurant was on my way again.

The rest of the journey to Kentucky was just as wonderful and before I knew it I had arrived in Williamstown at the perfect time!  :)  The retreat was a wonderful experience getting to meet so many wonderful people and really opening up even further exposing thoughts that I would have kept private in the past!  :)  My Faith and Willingness to Trust were being reinforced every day by the Miracles that I was experiencing and made everything so much easier than listening to the ego!  :)  This was no more evident than the absence of fear and resistance when considering the uncertainty of where I was going after the retreat was finished!  :)

Up until that weekend, every time I was set to leave one place I would experience fear and resistance because I was leaving it all of to the Holy Spirit.  That weekend though I would wake each day and say something like 'Holy Spirit, I ask for your Guidance throughout the day so that I may fulfill my part in God's plan for Salvation.  I also ask for Guidance in where I will be going after the retreat.'  During the first day of the retreat, Lauren sat down next to me and said that I was welcome to come stay with her in Georgia after the weekend!  I was ecstatic that she was open to the Guidance she received and was Willing to be so generous!  :)  I told her that I appreciated the offer but that I wanted to pray on it so that I was very clear that I was being Guided there and not just jumping at the invitation to allay any fear of uncertainty.  She was very understanding and it was a Miraculous encounter.

That night I asked the Holy Spirit for Guidance as to whether I should go to GA with Lauren.  The next morning, I asked the same thing and I still was not clear so I did not make a decision.  I had no way of knowing what was to happen later in the day!  :)  As the Holy Spirit would have it, Susan sat down with me and said she was Guided to offer to let me stay with her just outside of Cincinnati!  As grateful as I was to have yet another generous invitation, I was just as confused because now I was even less clear as to the Guidance of where I should go.  As with Lauren, I told Susan how much I appreciated the offer but that I needed to pray until I had clear Guidance.  In hindsight, there was a sign that I had not clearly seen when Kirsten asked me Saturday evening if I was going to Susan's.  This was weird because Kirsten was not there when Susan invited me and I was confused how she even knew that I was considering that possibility.  That night, I prayed once again with appreciation for the invitations and that I was hoping for clear Guidance as to where I should go.

Sunday morning I was even more grateful and confused as Chris offered to let me come stay with her in Cincinnati!  Here I was asking for Guidance and hoping for just one blessing and I received three instead!  :)  This compounded my appreciation but also my confusion yet again!  As with Lauren and Susan, I thanked Chris and said that I would pray to see where I was Guided.  I thanked the Holy Spirit and asked for clear Guidance when I received it a short while later.  I was sitting on the couch and Kerri asked me what time I was going to Susan's!  It couldn't get any clearer than that especially when I remember what Kirsten had said the day before!  :)  At that point, I once again thanked Lauren and Chris and told them that I felt Guided to stay with Susan.

The past ten days I have spent with Susan in Bellevue, KY just across the river from Cincinnati.  I got to see Chris again when I accompanied Susan to their ACIM study group.  I thought that I might actually go from Susan's to Chris' for a short stay before my trip to Utah, but the Holy Spirit has Guided me to travel to Georgia to see Lauren.  Lauren has generously offered to let me leave my ailing car at her place and drive her vehicle to UT for the retreat!  :)  I could go on and on with so many examples of the Miracles that I have been blessed to experience!  The best way to sum it all up is that the more I am willing to Trust the Holy Spirit and the more that I give, the more I have received.  In fact, I have received more than the ego could ever have imagined!  :)

Click here for pics of the Cherokee Trading Post

Love, Mimzy